Sunday, March 31, 2013

"Unofficial" Hash Trash 3/31: Easter Apocalypse Hash

Disclaimers: (1) I am not a scribe, just a former-GM, part-time hash cash,
and back slider who thinks a hash trash for this trail is deserved. (2) I
was not paying attention for most of trail, so I may take the liberty to
make stuff up, (3) I may currently be intoxicated

*Scribe: Nice Tits
*Hares: *5 Inch Penalty with bag car I Licked Butts and I think a couple of
*Start:* The Landsdowne Pub
*Pack:* (ok, I tried to keep track as our GMs asked me too. Clit Notes
tried to help identify those strange faces that this back-slider did not
recognize) - Beat By a Girl, Bend Over Mommy, Blubber F*cker, Certified
Poop Accuntant, Condom Search and Rescue, Goes Down on Bouys, I Licked
Butts, Just Ben, Just Lauren (to be named later), Just Myles, Just Amy (to
be named later), Just Angus (to be named later), Nice T*Ts, Rodent Felcher,
Spunk in the Trunk, Stick It to the Bros, The Buttler Hit It, Vagetarian,
and Yankee Pay $5 More
Pick up on Trail: Harlot Globe Fondler

*Trail:* Walkers followed Yankee to a Liquor Store to acquire Road Sodas
before opening their map.

Meanwhile, the rest of pack left the bar with Spunk leading the way and
seemed to circle around Fenway a bit and zigzag through Emerson & Longwood
area. At the song check we sang Whip It Out at the Ballgame, in honor of
starting at Fenway. CPA, Clit Notes and I came upon an interesting hop
scotch game that involved a triple spin, a dance break and eventually
following our dreams. Thankfully, we dreamt of beer, and eventually made it
to the first beer check in the Bird Sanctuary in Brookline. We sat on the
ground awaiting beer while Buttler gave us an unintended show. Yup, he wore
that kilt proper! PBR in hand we all rejoiced and tried not to disturb the
lesbian couples out for their nightly walk or the elderly woman who
rightfully mistook us for children.

On to the second leg, we ran around Brookline until entering a playground
where in the corner hid a strategically placed bottle next to chalk a
renditions of easter egg. We tried not to look sketchy while taking some
swigs. We sang Jesus Saves at a church, which April Fools, turned out to be
condos. Shocking some small children and bikers alike. Then a bunch of us
ran straight on Harvard St, apparently missing the dick check and running
into a welcoming group hug. Just Amy then walked the tight rope in bunny
ears and bells. Beer check 2 occurred in a back alleyway where we played
"What Would you do for a PBR?" as the beer selection had changed to Miller
with only a few PBRs left and we picked up Harlot ( a great addition to
this motley crew).

Ok, to be perfectly honest, at this point I stopped running trail and
proceeded to walk/jog while recounting the story of the Springfield
Sh*tshow, to Buttler- a Friday night that occurred 5 years ago that Wang,
Jimmy, Counterfeit and IEC will never forget. (Story omitted to protect the

We ended at the Silhouette. Pizza was already there... trail of the year!

Highlights from Circle lead by Blubber:
- 5 Inch Penalty had a Stupid Secret Hare..... Vagetarian! Both drank and
apparently both used to work in Chicago
- Comments included... this was like Dentata's trail, but with marks! Where
was the dick check? It's been a while, but I was able to find my t*ts for
the check
- Blubber F*cker, Condom Search and Rescue, I Licked Butts, Bend Over
Mommy, Just Ben, Just Myles, and The Buttler Hit It met the March Madness
Sock Challenge of attending 4 out of 5 trails and got the new BH3 Shiggy
Socks. Wear them with pride! Mommy & T*ts sang to Blubber about his 10
inches that were really only 4...
- we named people. It is true. Just Amy, who walks a tight rope, has signed
someone's cock, asked for Spunk by hash name at work, and has had many
failed polyamorous endeavors was not named John HandCock or Failed
Foursome, but will forever be known to the hash as Hipsterectomy (thank you
Yankee for that amazing new name)
- Just Agnus was up next. He apparently asks a lot of people to make out
with him, and hits on virgins with minimal success. He was not named
Portuguese Man of Whore or Puffy the Virgin Slayer, but because I wrote it
down to be funny... he will be known as Stuck on 2nd. Sorry man, at least
you are joining the illustrious 2nd clan!
- Just Lauren, who apparently has had a stripper fondle her and likes to
slap the men she is with, did not get named Ground Zero Hero, Slap My B*tch
Up or Snatch & Release... but is instead Cunt Jungle (thank you, Harlot)
- Announcements: Marathon Rego goes up tomorrow, Yankee (who does not
believe in the internet) was told where the start is, and Pink Taco have
many fine things they would like to sell you
- Buttler is the hero of the evening leaving before circle ended but giving
the bartender $60 to "get his friends drunk." We love you, and obliged!

I must say I was impressed at the number of marks on trail despite previous
claims of a "lame hare," and have to say that all of you who were busy
eating Grandma's ham... missed out. The creative energy was flowing and
Blubber pulled an RA TriF*ckta with 3 namings. We would have named Just
Myles and Just Ben (sock winners and both with beards) but apparently they
are "saving themselves for Moon." WTF?!?!?

Alright Moon, we throw the gauntlet down. Come up with better names than
Hipsterectomy, Stuck on 2nd and Cunt Jungle.

One more Sunday till Marathon. Hope you enjoyed this "unofficial hash
trash", i.e. what I did on trail.


Sunday, March 17, 2013

Evacuation Day Hash 2013 Edition

Date: Sunday, March 17, 2013
Hares: Yankee and Anal Disco(her virgin lay)
Start: Pearl Street Station
Beer Check: Sketchy alley
On-in: Under a bridge
Time: 2:30 HST

Total beers consumed: More than a few; less than enough.

Let me begin by saying, I always get a half-chub for a Yankee trail; denim and Marb Reds abound. CPA and Harlot were quick to echo this sentiment.

Against all conventional wisdom, the theme for trail on March 17th had absolutely nothing to do with St. Patrick’s Day. We instead celebrated Evacuation Day, one of many bullshit, made-up holidays allowing Bostonians to have the day off work and drink excessively. 

The Hash converged on the Pearl Street Station—a surprisingly classy prelube, perfectly juxtaposing the On-After—shortly before HST and the binging began in earnest. In an effort to overcome their hangovers, our faithful hares decided it best to begin the afternoon with alternating shitty beers and shots of whiskey. In hindsight, with the time afforded by the Great Bar Car Debacle of 2013, shots might’ve been aggressive.

After more than a few rounds, Titney Spewston saved the day and offered up bag-carring services. Wiki, the assumed bag car for the day, readily admitted his faults and offered to buy Titney about a million beers.

At opening circle, we met our Virgins, Johann and Jen, and almost talked them into showing body parts (so close). We learned that Yankee had made the executive decision to make it a Cajun trail. After confusing the shit out of the virgins and veterans alike with this news, pack was off.

The first leg of trail ran through only the classiest parts of Malden. There were—alleged—tit checks and the usual harriettes performed their civic duties. Yankee and Disco enticed the pack into a sketchy alley with promises of beer near. The beer check included plenty of Natty Ice and Busch Lite and a virgin FBI. Not surprisingly, amongst the men, Bro’s and Sweagle came first.

The second leg of trail included scenic strip malls, railroad tracks, and housing projects. Pack routinely chased false trails up hills, apparently forgetting who was haring. Ultimately, pack stumbled upon some flour on a set of abandoned train tracks. What was thought to be a second beer check was actually the On-In.

After some beer and pizza and beer, it was time to get circle underway. In no particular order, circle included the following:
  1. The pack reminded the hares that they laid a S-H-I-T-T-Y-T-R-A-I-L.
  2. We met our virgins and waited for them to each do something stupid or funny (still waiting…)
  3. We met some out-of-towners who introduced us to the new unofficial PT2H3 theme song about small wieners and the disappointed women that ride them.
  4. We discovered Mommy co-authored said small wiener song and decided she has a moral obligation to lead pack in song at the collective beckon-call of the Hash.
  5. The RA ruined circle and put the announcements before the accusations. Dumbass.
  6. We returned vessels long lost and learned that CPA can drink Bro’s under the table.
  7. Hashers drank out of shoes. Against all logic, the virgin decided to borrow The Second Cuming’s shoe, that he has used for the past months to train (r*cist).
  8. About a dozen hashers discussed their naked jaunt through Medford from the night prior.
  9. An out-of-towner lost his keys on trail; they were recovered by a Boston hasher. Pack made sure to remind him that he was stupid, stupid, really fucking dumb.
  10. Hares and Harriettes that coordinated their outfits prior to Trail were called on to drink.
Yankee introduced the Hash to The Squire Lounge which, thank Christ, showed up on my credit card statement as only 604 CafĂ©. Due to their willingness to show body parts, many of the staff at The Squire were inducted into the Hash. Never before has a group of hashers been so overdressed.

Your scribe, Blubber F*cker