Sunday, May 6, 2018

Pearl Necklace 2018

What: Lunar H3: Shoot star trial; Pearl Necklace 2018
Organizers: Luva Lamp, Quarter Mile Queer, Honorable Vaginal Discharge
Hares: Clit Notes, No Man on the Moon, Mud Slut, Queer and Foaming, Swedish Eagle, Glutenless, The Butler Hit It, Luva Lamp, Udder Whore, Bottom Wrangler, whatever Power Bottom H3 named Dry Hose, Quarter Mile, HVD
Bag cars: Blowjob Rimleader, the Greatest Ho on Earth, 5 ring cervix
Pack: Um, everyone else?


After failing to catch a bus, I decided to order an uber and was able to get to the prelube brunch bar in time to join Team Pink Table for donuts, on a stick, and other breakfast items. I only learned that they served beer as my food was brought, but ordered and blowed through a beermosa before leaving the bar and heading to the park to join pack.

Given how far out of the city the start was, I was generally impressed with packs ability to get to Newton center on time, perhaps it had something to do with the weather, which was amazing. As we arrived QMQ yelled at us to “get a tshirt, a cozy, a sticker and a patch” - more on the tshirts later. With the general milling around out of the way, Clit Notes ran off to lay the first leg of trail and I drew a rough approximation of chalk talk, with the properly specificed number of beer checks. We did introductions and where we could find you on the moon, and then went to chase Clit Notes through Newton.

Leg 1:

Trail left the parking lot and it took us an embarassing amount of time to scout the first few checks given how much trial we had ahead of us - and we were all sober! Eventually we solved trail around a fire station and past some pretty houses. Up and down a hill maybe? If you’re expecting a turn-by-turn recount, well, it was an 18 mile trail and I have to stop writing this at some point. Trial lead us to a park, with a marked false into a playground, and pack was lost for a bit before we solved the check out of the park and back into the suburbs, before turning back into a park of some sort. The transition from pavement to dirt was too hard for butler who tumbled for no apparent reason - perhaps the rocks just jumped up and tripped him. Trial continued through the park for a while before eventually getting to BN and BC1.


 Most people had around 1.5 miles at this point, and attacked their beers with purpose. Pearl Necklace first timers were a bit confused about how the white shirts and pens worked, but it was explained that in order to earn your pearl necklace, you had to have a signature on your shirt for each beer, No Man took off to lay trail.

Leg 2:
 We ran past a construction site, found a check back then ran around Newtonville for a Hash Sitapeed and a jaunt past Wrangler’s highschool. We ran through some parking lots, then over the pike. There was a check at an intersection which had us a bit confused, and Dry Hose went scouting down to the left. As he was turning to call that he was looking for marks, he ran right into a bus stop sign. Like ran into the sign, and opened a pretty nasty cut on his forehead; nasty and deep and bleedy enough that we had to call someone to take him to the hospital. Not like a Lift or an Uber, but an ambulance. While that  was happening trail had continued and we reached second BC, around 2.8 miles in.


In the game of switching bag cars we were now treated to beer and food and drink from Rimmy’s car. It was around this beer check where the arts and crafts tendancies came out and people started getting rather competitive on their shirt modifications. Two beers in a feeling groovy, Mud Slut took off to lay the next leg of trail.

Leg 3:

Continued through the park on red flour, then ran an loop around Bottom Wrangler’s middle school. A set of harriets went to avail themselves of the portabodies we ran the little loop and quickly rejoined us on trial which continued through the woods - a common theme on this pearl which had more dirt than pavement - and along what appeared to be a rail trail. There was a crossing over some river and then we reached BC3.


The first long beer check. There were popsicles, beers, food and sandwhiches. This is when people figured out that if you split beers with people you could combine names on your shirt, and the game of “what amalgamations can we come up with began.” After everyone was feeling full, happy and a little bit drunk Foamy and the foamling left to lay trail.

Leg 4:

Ran across a bridge (I think?) and around a car dealership. There was a joint check (zig zag h3) and a shot check (which I am so thankful wasn’t fire pepper cheetos vodka), and then trail came back out and ran down a road. Leg 4 was also the first leg of the “Stollers” - those few and dedicated souls who were strolling on the running trail - they would eventually spread their rage like a virus to infect all of us by the end, but for now they were sweep, sweep, sweeping the still majority of folks who were running. There was death march down a road to a beer check in the field.


 The ideas of BC3 - name amalgamations - spurred a competition, artistic pack name drawings. There were now two active ways of participating in the sign-shirt-for-beer. People were starting to flag and we were over 6 miles, but still only at 4 beers. Glutenless was next so he took off across the field, Actual walkers were separated from the strollers and the funners at this time.

Leg 4:

Ran around a farm (I think) and past the walkers enjoying baggo. It came very close to overlapping the last trail before winding through Waltham, though staying away from a hinted secret Treehouse check. There was no secret Treehouse check, but a shopping cart was found on trail and brought with pack. Trail went up and down a bridge (over a set of stairs which were closed), to a confusing mark before a BN by the commuter rail, eventually we found the BC, and Sweagle took off over the train tracks.

Was a fun beer check. We were drunk, we weren’t tired, and you know, happy fun times. A lady pulled up wondering what was happening, and QMQ sauntered over to her - his gate was hilarious, I wish I knew a better world, but, either way, she seemed understanding and left us alone. Since it was a Swegle Leg, we knew he didn’t need too much time.

Leg 5:
Crossed the train tracks (though you could have gone around ont bridge). The pack was able to get themselves, the stroller with the baby in it and the shopping cart over before a train came and nearly killed everyone. From there the trail proceeded as expected; even 4 legs into the PN Swegle was still running out multiple falses for each check, before eventually bringing us to a set of abandoned rail tracks. Trail was marked down tracks to a very unstable bridge with a few holes in the ties making for a challenging crossing. Trail went down the embankment and through a construction site towards Bentley. We sang “hashers, meet the hashers” for some undergrads working on their tans, I mean studing. Then ran around the sports complex and turned right to run down to the girl scout complex? I’m not sure, but that’s what butler called it.


People were beginning to get drunk, and Dry Hose returned to us from the hospital. Who can take a head wound and keep running trail? A hasher, that’s who!  NDY tried to pee behind a couple of different trees before deciding on the middle of the field. Butler took off to hare the next leg - promised as the “shiggy” leg, and road sodas were grabbed to lub us up for the shiggy to come.

Leg 5:

Was shiggy. Like, really shiggy. It ran up some powerlines and past a bee-ery (a place which farms bees) into woods. Trail was well marked with flour on trees, and the runners were able to keep a good pace. The strollers, being slightly burdened which their  rage lagged slightly behind. By the time we got to the first fence crossing, the groups had seperated to audible range. By the time we got to the second fence crossing, the strollers were on their own as the additional rage level made some of the more techinical parts of trail - climbing over trees or fences slightly more difficult. Also some bad zenning, but I’m not here to cast blame. Eventually we were able to solve trail and join back up with pack - but there were about 10-15 minutes a head and butler was sent back to rescue us.

Beer check 6:

People were edging in on 9 miles and getting more and more drunk. The half-name half-beer competition was in full effect, we were treated to “Do me on the moon” or “orgasm slut” There were also gold fish. I didn’t tell anyone because they’re amazing and I ate a third of the bag. Luva lamp went off to hare his leg and eventually we followed.

Leg 6:

Understanding that he (and we) were all getting drunk and the miles were adding up, the hare took us on what was essentially a straight shot down Trapello rd, but with one block off loops on each side, to the next beer check.

Beer check 7:

This is the stuff hashers are made of. Check 7 through 10 on the perl necklace; you’re deep in, you know you’re deep in and there isn’t much to do expect down your beers and pound your miles. Udder took off to hare her leg, with Peepers “not haring, just keeping the hares company” We were over 10 miles and udder promised us a straight, simple trial

[Scribe note]
I’m totally missing an entire check. Udder haredthe leg after the second lunch check, but the second lunch check was at check 8, and we’re at check 7.  I’m honestly confused because I have no memory of the missing leg.

[editing note: It was swegles leg]

Beer check 8: Was where the walkers (Power Bottom H3) were drunk. Very drunk. I thought running pack was drunk then I saw them. There was beer, and sandwhiches and aggressive napping. Do Me gave herself a sobriety test, and I think passed because she then climbed a tree. The HVD climbed a tree. By climbed a tree I mean like jumped up to the first split in trunk and posed. Then butler put down his cookie bag and climbed the tree. Like the whole tree, to the top most branches. Not wanting to be out flown, Swedish Eagle soared to the top on the other branch and we were all sure they were going to die. Luckily they didn’t and udder and her help went off to set trial.

Leg 9:

Ran out through the park then through Belmount center. I bailed on trial and went to the dunkin donuts for a pitstop. I rejoined the strollers (now the majority of pack) and we ran into a parking lot by some kids playing soccer.

Beer Check 9:
Yeah, we were drunk. The drive to get sign offs was still going, and we were developing the 1000 yard stare of all pearl necklaces. That look that says I can barely stand, but I’m not sure if it’s because of the distance (over 13 at this point), or the beer. As we were flagging CPA yelled that she won the hash! The first to 13! A few minutes later Rainbow echoed her joy as she completed as well. Wrangler took off to hare trial.

Leg 10:

Went up hill, pretty much exclusively. We were cheered on by some people having a porch party and who thought we were crazy for running. Little did they know how drunk we were. Or,as PoPo said “How surprised would they be to learn that we are way more drunk than they are!” There was a questionable hash sitapeed - we yelled Sitapeed at it then did some really, really bad scouting. We eventually found trial and followed it to the next check, where we did more really, really, really bad scouting. It’s possible that we were very drunk. We eventually saw the stroller walking down a street a few blocks away and join them and ran to the next BC - in the woods...somewhere?

BC 10: It was long, we were tired. There were pretzels. There was beer. What else do you expect from a description of the 10th beer check on a perl necklace?

Leg 11: Was hared by the fresh-from-the-er Dry hose, and the trusty hare companion peppers. It ran through the woods, then back into town, to the WHOREDORE check. Remember when Hodor was a happy go-lucky guy who just carried people around? A whoredore check requires pack to buddy up and go whoredore style until the next check. Fellowship and Peepshow were the only ones to complete the challenge. Trial continued through a field of youth soccer to bag car behind the softball field.

BC 11: Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m swapping beer checks in my memory. I’m describing the beer check which started Wranglers trial. The BC9 was really this one, I think BC10 was correct, so this will be the BC9 write up.

Basically, we were drunk and the post sandwhich naps took over. Mud slut passed out starfished on the groundnext to bag car, and Do Me shared the curb as a pillow with her. I had relieved myself in the Dunkins, but most of pack took advantage of the portapoties at the bc. It was getting harder and harder to find light beers - those early trial bud heavies were a challenge no one really wanted to face 11 beers in. Gummy bears and cookies were also handed out.

QMQ and HVD took off to lay the penultimate leg and at this point there were maybe half a dozen runners left.

Leg 12:
Was through watertown center, past a couple of scarey intersections then up a long sloping road taking us towards Arsenal.

BC 12:
Was in a parking lot behind an abandoned store front. There were beers, food, and the spread of 1000 yard stare. I completed and CPA witnessed me. More and more people were completing and we were all over 16 miles at this point. Luva lamp took off to hare the final leg.

Was down the road, then left a block, then down the Charles River bike path. It’s funny that I said he took off. He strolled, at a very ragey pace. However, inexplicably, there people still attempting to yog or, gasp, even run, so over less than a mile, the hare was snared 4 times. Also Do Me was almost killed by geese, but eventually we made it to the ONIN.

 A couple ice tubs of beer were brought and cold beer was provided. We circle up rather quickly as the light was dying and we were promised hash beer and warm food at the on-after. The hares - all 13 of them - were called and listened to comments, then we sang and them and they sang at us. We then called in the visitors - burlington, boners and colombo, and sang at them, then they sang at us. Dry hose was called in by Power Bottom H3 and renamed (I think?) Yeild, Motherfucker! We then accused Just Nicole of being a just. She knelt, was named, and rose “Massage a Trios.” Famous hashers were named at Pearls before, so she has shoes to fill. All PN virgins were called in, then two and three timers, the anyone who had been to 5 or more, sadly noone has been to every pearl necklace. We then called the organizers in and announced that, in addition to patches, stickers, tshirts, and beers for a day, the hash had raise over $1000 for the Make a Wish foundation, good job hashers! A couple of statie cruisers drove by and turned their spotlights on us so we sang low and headed to Millers Ale House for food, beer and revalry.

ON - you gotta earl your perls - ON