Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hash-stronomy Trail

Hello hashers - I am Shart of Darkness, and I'm subbing in as scribe this week, which means 95% better spelling and a 100% less reliable narrator. You're welcome!

What: Hash-stronomy Trail
Where: Miricle (sic) of Science, Cambridge
Who: Wikipedophilia, Spank Me
Bag car: Buttler

Pack: Dunno, I'm perpetually too drunk to remember names

Prelube was at Miracle of Science, where we proceeded with our usual MO of congregating in a huge group right in front of the door, getting in the way of the waitstaff, and generally being a nuisance. Spank Me showed up in fantastic nerd garb, including a pocket protector, glasses, and a cowlick. Eventually we stumbled out, had chalk talk next to a Tootsie Roll factory (??), and went on our merry way.

In addition to not knowing anyone's names, I'm useless with navigating Boston, so this write-up will be very light on the details. However, I can say with confidence that we stumbled around MIT and the surrounding areas looking like idiots as per usual. Highlights included climbing over a locked gate and running through a field. The first beer check was at that low grassy area next to one of the bridges on the Cambridge side - yeah, you know the one. We sipped on some warm PBR and chilled with a flock of geese. Eventually, thirst temporarily sated, we left.

At that point, we crossed the bridge for the second leg of our nerdy tour and began stumbling around BU looking like drunken idiots. We ran through the GSU, thus proving to BU students that old people can be drunk and annoying too. There was a delicious Tang-y shot check behind one of the BU buildings. From there, trail directed us to The Dugout - where we found a CB1. Cursing the hares, we continued. We ran through the Kenmore T stop, where there may have been a few civilian casualties - safety third! Eventually, we found our way to the On-In...

Circle: The On-In was under a highway bridge near Storrow, most directly accessible by crossing the on-ramp, which of course the pack approached with extreme caution and good judgement. Everyone arrived except Buttler, who at last showed up with a car full of beer and pizza, at which point something resembling a circle was formed.

Accusations were made. Jello Wrecked 'Em was called in for being both FRB and FBI. Wiki was made fun of for his creative spelling (which should happen more often, in my humble opinion). There were DC and PorME visitors and a transplant from Chile.

Virgin Kristen was called in to be harassed (sponsored by Doucheland). She was surprisingly good at hash math. Her favorite animal is a squirrel, but for some reason she was unsure what noise squirrels make when they orgasm and was unwilling to guess - we'll keep working on that one. She skis and would describe herself as "groomed," and she's not Jewish. She was not acceptable but we'll let her stay.

Bald hashers drank a lot. Kilted hashers drank a lot. Former GMs drank. 5 Inch Penalty was called in for his r*cist attire. Other stuff happened but I was too busy drinking to take note. Finally, after several rousing renditions of 'swing low,' including a Bob Marley version, circle adjourned.

Montreal hash this weekend: Twat has (had?) one spot available in his car, so get at him
Invalid Pearl Necklace Hash next Wednesday!! Hared by Yankee (and me, but really by Yankee)
Undead beer mile next FridayRSVP, you lazy bums
Pearl Necklace next Saturdayrego, you lazy bums
Pearl Necklace fatboy next Sunday: because your weekend will need a little more beer
New Hampshire hash next Saturday: in case you're too cool for Pearl Necklace

Shart of Darkness

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Electric Dance Hash

What: Electric Dance Hash
Where: The Field, Central Square, Cambridge
Who: Accidental Anal, C*m Locker
Bag Car: I licked Butts

Just Tim, Just Pat (not from Rhode Island), Just Lauran, Just Luara*, Visitor from DC, Plus 2 Conass, Hoover McSuck n Fuck, Beat By A Girl, Spank Me May I Have Your Mother, Save A Tree Ride A Cowboy, Twat My Mom, Willy Wonka and the Backdoor Factory, Five In Penatly, Takes it In the Rectory, Nice Tits, Horse’s Ass, I Eat Teabags, Can’t Eat Pussy, Chris Brown Eye, Goat Throat, Krusty the Meat Miser, Bend Over Mommy, Cuntjungle, Harlot Globe, Goes down on Fondler, Pay My Fly, Dirbbles, Certified Poop Accuntant, Vagatairan, Cherry Poppin’ Paddy, Sketchy Ho, The Butler Hit It, Bring Out The Gimp, THE 2nd Cumming, No Man On The Moon, Wikipedophilia, A Virgin, Schindler’s Fist,  Clit Notes, Others I forgot.


There was a small group at the bar by the time I arrived, and Yankee bought a beer and a shot for the lovely harriets that followed me. I guess my tits aren’t nice enough for him. There were a lot of backsliders, so most of the time at the pre-lube was spent catching with up with old hashers and drinking. Teabags and Twat once played THUMPER there for hours until a girl they took home threw up out of the window of Twat’s car. That’s either the truth or a lie. Before the locals – who had hidden away in seculeded tables or the other side of the bar playing pool – could get too upset that we were drinking all their beer, they hares decided that they should get gay, and bag was called after an appropriate time of 6.9 minutes.

Chalk Talk:

Twat tried very hard to lead us in circle, but no one paid attention. It’s a wonder we knew what we were doing. The virgin helped us demonstrate was a Hash-a-peed check is, and we almost left before Twat could explain what “BC” and “BN” mean!

Trail Hacienda:

Trail immediately turned away from the river and into the neither regions of Imman Square/Area IV, or whatever those endless curvy streets of triple deckers are called. With a depressing lack of tit checks, trail ran past a woman working on her ipad who complained when we were blowing whistles and yelling ONON. Unfortunately for her, we had just found a song check. We sang to her about how we all had trouble keeping down jobs in Chicago. Pack then go very lost, scouting right and left, but not straight, until eventually 5 inch and Retcory didn’t come back, and we followed them to another check at a very confusing-only-in-Boston-5-way-intersection. Did 5 hashers have a 5 way in the middle of the street? It could have happened. Trail actually went off the right, then turned up (that’s what she said?), and lead us into a park to a mark they Twat almost forgot, the coveted Bear Near!! Beer was through the park, and by some fountains.

Beer Check Baz:

Too call what we were drinking beer is too kind; the hares decided that we were only worthy of Natty Ice. However, the beer check did feature fountains and a very well located portapody. After everyone stood around pretending to drink their beers and having way too many serious conversations, the hares danced their way out and we forgot about them. Eventaully we got tiered of shitty beer and ran on towards the promise of better beer on trail.

Trail Molly:

Starting through a baseball field, then meandering through parts of town unknown, trail eventually came out to a song check in some realatively popular looking square. Union maybe? There was a song check and after pack assembled, we started to sing, about how much we all love our girl friends. Since there were children preasant, Five Inch in a very unhashmanlike manor sensored (by making generic loud noises) whenever we sang out the particular parts of our girl friends that we loved. Surprisingly, the crowd cheered us. Pack kind of got lost after that since no one ran straight, but eventually we did and we ended up near Sullivan, I think? Then we ran under a highway and over another one before finding the Hashapeed check under a rail bridge. The hash understood how to sit on peoples laps, and the various sexes seemed to sort themselves out, however the idea of a circle was beyond us. CEP was able to shepard us into the correct position and we all sat down and sang. It seemed to work, and it was fun. Apparently I was trying to be considerate and not put my full weight on CPA, though instead I was told that my butt was at “boob height” the entire time. I guess I missed out on that chance? Trail from there continued past a grow-op being busted ( L they should move to Colorado or Washington…) and a check that turned us down an industrial road. It was getting dark and no one remembered cranium lamps but we kept on going and found an amazing mark. It said beer near. We whooped. We hollered. We gave thanks and waited for our friends. The beer was not near. It was down the end of the road, over some rail road tracks and around and in back of an electrical supply company.


I would be horribly amiss if I failed to mention that circle was held in front of stacks of empty wire reals. I would be lying if I said that no hashers climbed on them. I would be telling the truth if I said that I did not. There was beer, though, cold beer, in coolers at the bottom and the beer was nicely provided to those to just had to get a little bit higher. There was a good amount of drinking between when pack arrived (it was a large pack, so it took a while) and when circle was started. Consiquently, circle memories might be a bit fuzzy. First off we called in the hairs and demanded they sing or show us their tits. I really hope they showed their tits, though they probably sung some dumb song instead. We told them that they should have used more flour and/or chalk. They left. Next visitors were called in, and we had friends from Seattle, DC roadwhores and Bejing! They also sang us a song. Next we got down to the meat and potatos and called in our virgin, who was brought by the visitor from DC. Our lovely hare Cum Locker gladly reprised her role and, with the help of Clit Notes, welcomed the groomed and polietete (she’d help her Uncle Jack off a horse) to the hash. We called in FRBs (the virgin and some random fast guy), and DFLs (who were still showing up – Cums Off and Nimphobrainiac) and made them drink too. Then Coonass paused circle to ask if we want to continue with acusations or get in a naming. We chose naming and Just Laura was called in and got on her knees. She then proceeded to tell us that one time while she was enjoying the missionary position in Guana, she went out for a run. As she was running she felt something. Something powerful. Something warm. Something slightly relieving as she shat her pants. She crouched quickly in a bush to clean up then kept running. On her way back into town a local girl came up next to her and asked “What is that?” point to the shit stain on her pants. Also, she’s never had a bad sexual experience, but that doesn’t matter. Guaneriahha was considered, but thrown out. Just Laura will now be known as “Shart of Darkness” from now until the ending of the world. We moved onto accusations, and there were a lot of them. The best ones had to do with our epic backsliders – the hares along with Sticks it to the Bros and others. Bald guys drank. Kilted hashers drank a lot. Then the zombie arm came out. Harlot and Cuntjunggle were called in for moving to Vermount and drank/poured beer on themselves (Harlot) or threw it at us (Cuntjuggle). Goat Throat and Krusty were called in for moving in together and in some weird almost dry humping position poured beer into eachothers mouths. More things might have happened. There was pizza. With meat.

On – 24 hour party people – On

9/18: ASTRONAUGHT TRAIL at Mircle of Since, Mass Ave, Cambridge
9/19: Moon AGM Part 2
9/20: Boston Invasion of Montreal (talk to brokeback/twart)
9/25: Shart of Darkness and Yankees Pearl Necklace Pre-lube
9/29: Pearl Necklace Fatboy
10/2: Catholic School Girl Hash (Twat My Mom in Quincy)
SUNDAY 10/13: Country Trail (Blubber Fucker)
SATURDAY 10/19: AGM!!!
SUNDAY 10/20: Fatboy by new GMs
DECEMBER 7th: Hashmas Party

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

F*ck Boxes Trail

Hares: Udder Whore, Blowbot
Bag car: Anal Disco
Pack: Seriously? Fine…

I Eat Teabags, Plus 2 Coonass, Easy To Please, Vagatarian, The Butler Hit it, Blubber Fucker, Yankee Pay $5 More, Pat My Fly, Just Laura, Just Pat (not from Rhode Island), Can’t Eat Pussy (from Rhode island), Just Pretzel?, E=I’m A Douche, JOLLY Green Vagania, Just Someone-else, Nice Tits, Hare Club, Sketchy Ho, Dirty Latte Sanchez, Harlot Globe Fondler, Pappy Van Tinckle, Mangia My Vagaina, Nubbin’ Luvin’, Chris Brown Eye, Cum Ear, Wikipedophilia, Dribbles, No Man On The Moon, Little Sister Fister, Skull Fucker, Twat My Mom, Maybe Others I Forgot, Virgin Short.

Start: Sligo’s.

Pre-lube: Arriving unfortunately early, I had nothing other to do than to drink until the rest of pack arrived, and I did. Luckly (or unluckily) this happened pretty quickly. In a very interesting study in fluid-un-dynamics, the pack stayed very tightly bunched in one area directly in front of the bar. This practice of being lazy and not scouting the open area of the bar (or scouting in general) will reappear later. People kept c*ming – really, they did – and introductions, greetings, saluations, and beer were all had and passed around. Eventually bag car was called, and pack stayed still, because they couldn’t move. A few of us escaped out the back.


Yeah, we’ll say Blubber did something that might have resembled a circle. Mainly he insinuated that the virgin would see a lot of tits and dicks. One of these was truer than the other. Confused and wanting beer, we left.

Trail – Cardboard:

From circle behind Sligos trail went through a park where we surprised the locals and into some nice-ish looking neighborhood before turning and coming out on a semi-major street. Having no respect for traffic laws, we kind of stood in the cross-walk while a few people (Hare club, blubber, jolly) scouted – literally, the rest of pack stood around, creating a bit of a traffic jam. Eventually we found trail and ran off. This scene repeated itself at the next two checks, though I was very disappointed that by the time I got to a tit check on the bike path there was no one to free me. Continueing on we eventually found that we were in a gaint circle jerk back around to a song check in Davis Square. “Oh Sir Winston Do Not Touch Me” turned into a mass-organism before, again, no one scouted and I think Butler and Coonass finally found trail going past where we had the Sandy beer check. Fact: That is the only part I remember of that wonderful trail. Back to this trail where trail turned down a hill to a tit check and not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 harriets decided to follow their better virtues and not release us from our prision. Harlot had not such compuntions. Trail went back to the bike path and another song check – child friendly, Meet the Hashers – and again no one scouted, but we eventually found trail cutting back in some direction. There was another CTNOS* with T-Bags and I giving up scouting falses. While we were scouting we passed a couple out for a r*n (sex on trail!) and they asked if we were hashing, we were, and they joined us! Virgins on trail! It doesn’t go back! Luckily for them, we found trail straight, right, and mercifully to the Beer Check.

Beer Check U-Hual:

There was a U-Haul full of beer! That’s a lie! This isn’t DC! There was beer, though, so we drank. Goat showed up at some point. His big news is that Krusty is going to move in with him. So expect Watertown to be under lock-down until everyone is wearing disco-pants!

Trail Plastic Containers:

Leaving the BC we immidetialy happened upon another CTNOS and meandered around a corner to another. These were pretty much all the checks at this point. From this check we checked in most directions, and the wrong one twice before finding our way behind a school. Someone called out “Shots near” but no shots were found. Maybe they were? I think they were, and I missed them. I am a bad hasher. There was a song check (at which we caught up with the walkers) under a bridge and Harlot lead us in an amazing dity about all the days of the week. Some of pack had apparently blown throw (blow jobs on trail? There was the right ratio…) the shot checks and the song check, so CEP and I followed marks across a road. A car then, in blatent disregard for things like “Stop signs” or cross walks (which we were actually in!!) tried to run me over. Fool. I can dance with dump trucks on 2nd October Bridge, I’m not afraid of a Buick! Anyway, I was able to press “dual sky scrappers of freedom” to his window as he passed me by. Flustered, slightly, I ran up a hill, turned right, turned left, ran up another hill and found the front runners coming back from a CB12. Was Eagle a secret co-hare? Apparently trial then went right from the new check to the beer check in a park.

Beer check freight elevator:

The beer check was a roaving affair as we tried to keep our distance from houses on one side, kids playing soccer in the middle and families on the swing set. We chose the very subtle place of “right in the middle of the field.” Beer was consumed and conversations were had.

Trail Back trash bags:

Leaving the park to a check (that I scouted) trail went up hill, then turned right and down hill towards a fire station. With the doors open we sang about how much we loved our girl. One firefighter pocked his head out to look at us, but returned to whatever he was doing. Trail then ran down a slight incline and Harlot decided to finger my ass, apparently because I didn’t want to step on her too-small-to-be-considered-a-dog thing. She also complained that she had trouble “seeling the deal” with hashers and was asking Blubber for advice. Maybe that was said in confidence. Oh well. Hash news: Harlot needs help “seeling the deal.” Trail turned a corner to Paddy’s Launch and we were OnIn.


Was crowded. I believe that Skull Fucker was trying to learn how to be an RA? How was she not called out for that? The hares were called in, and we sang to them that they laid a shitty trail. When we asked them to sing us a song, Udder whispered to blubber, while caressing her boobs “these haven’t been let out all night!” so pack willingly gave her permission to flash us instead of singing. Blowbot sang something, but that doesn’t really matter. We then called in FRB (BUTLER) and FBI (Snap Off) and DFL (Friar – who drank a screw?). We then moved onto freshmeat…er, virgins! Virgin the short girl was called in – and she’s about half the size of Chris Brown Eye, her sponsor – and then the two virgins who were found on trail joined her. The Short One did a very good job of imitating Spungebob having an orgasim, the guy found on trail is a gentleman and would help his Uncle Jack Off a horse, and the girl is a backwoods skier. None of them had ever heard of a “Dollar menu,” “all you can deet for under a dollar” or “buck-a-fuck.” They are definitely not worthy, but we will definitely take them anyway. After that  blowbot was called in for wearing his shirt inside out – least we call him for rasict attire – so he and udder drank again. That was followed by backsliders – epic ones, including “The Tall Girl Whose Name I Should Know”, Nice Tits (?), and a lot of other people? It was crowded. Cum Ear sang them a great song about the S&M man castrating people. Not sure the relivance. Udder whore lost her cup at nerd, so she drank out of that (and blow bot drank again). Bald guys were called in? People who love dicks were called in? Kilted hashers? It was really crowded. I want to make up a story about someone doing something unbelievable on the floor…then we learned that Pat My Fly didn’t know what a pink taco was! We educated him. Then we learned that Dribbles didn’t know what a pearl necklace was, and her co-workers had to explain it to her! (Apparently she wore her pearl necklace shirt to work…) Old fahts, they’ll all forget tomorrow…Vessel went down, covers came off and we swang low.

On – WTF was with the boxes – On

*CTNOS = Check That No One Scouted


Next week: Wed 9/11: Cum Locker and Anal Avenger are haring. Apparently they are trustworthy?
Next weekend: Seacoast Red Dress Run, sign up with Seacoast (facebook/e-mail Cum Tities)
Next Sunday: E4B trail someehwere?
Sept 21: Boston Invasion of Montreal (War of 1812 part 2), Talk to Twat/Brokeback to join the invasion (it’s another Red Dress)
Sept 27-29: Pearl Necklace weekend! Beer mile! Pearl necklace! Fatboy!
October 19th: AGM
WE NEED HARES FOR 9/18, 10/9, and 10/16