Monday, May 12, 2014

Trash from afar - NURD X

What: NURD trail
Where: Somewhere hot
Who: Read the rego list. If you are mentioned below just say that the scribe was drunk and made everything up.


The buses arrived (2 bus this year, and everyone can agree that the other bus sucked), at a random bar in downtown Saratoga and we all filed out and, after complaining about the sun, stumbled into the bar and were presented with 3 glorious beer choices; I forget what they were but I tried them all and they were all delicious. We milled about for a while, critiquing and comparing dresses and gowns. Vomit decided that dresses were for whores and as a classy lady, he would parade around in a pink thong, while Osama decided that underwear was for losers. A few groups of muggles stared as they passed the bar, and I’m pretty sure that the cooks as the restaurant across the parking lot stared at us the entire time. A few of the more experienced hashers went off in waves and returned with delicious culinary confections, but most of us stayed at the bar where the beer was flowing cold and free.

Chalk talk:

The hares (those assholes) decided that the only start they would need would be the time it took us to do introdcutions. This was an accurate assumption as chalk talk lasted long enough to go in and get another beer while waiting to be introduced. After we met everyone we took off running in search of beer.

Trail Red Gown:

About 3/4th of pack thought that the T/E split mark in chalk talk was an actual T/E split and ran straight up the driveway to nothing. The rest of us actually followed marks that went through a parking garage than into a pretty park to a song check. IEC was standing there wait for us, with a false already marked and his pack mark going off to the left. However, we introduced the muggles to the hashers, meet the hashers, before following IEC. Well, some of us did, others ran straight. Trail went through a fountain – that no one ran through, whatever, weak sauce, and up a hill to a tit check. Harriet after harriet passed us by until Barbie finally let us go (thanks Barbie!). We ran along a ridge before dipping down to a pool, around a pond and back up some stairs to an actual T/E split. The eagles ran towards a grave yard, which itself contained a song check. We sang a ditty to our good friend (in absentia) Nercophiliac Jack and then scouted out in both directions, the two trails eventually merged and we came out infront of a funeral home to a hug check. From there trail went right through some parking lots and it started looking like we were heading back towards town. As the hares had promised there were a good amount of checks, and trail was pretty well marked, but every check we found had already been scouted and marked by IEC (whom none of us had seen since the very first song check). We merged back in with the Turkeys and fund the beer not on the top of the parking garage but on the 3rd floor. There was beer, there was water, and there was shade.

Beer check Red Cocktail dress:

It was really hot and my gown was not cut for r*nning, so I mainly drank water (coors light) and rested. In a fascinating conversation with the Turkeys I found out that IEC had not only run and marked all of eagle trail, but he also then went back and ran Turkey so that he could get all the tit checks to himself. That man is a hashing genious. After we had been there a good long while, the hares left and told us that trail started down an alley back into town.

Trail red sun dress:

Decending from the beer check and running through a pretty little alley we emerged onto what I’ll call the main street in town and ran down in for a while. Some people waited for traffic lights; other people didn’t. It’s like wildabeasts crossing the Limpopo; the crockadiles can’t eat us all! Trail eventually turned up hill (surprise!) and meandered through a friendly neighborhood of kids, families, friendly dogs and apparently hashers laying in the middle of the road? Trail headed towards what I thought might be shiggy, but was really just the enterance to a college/prep school/whatever. It took me a while to figure out what I was running through, but the scenery was nice enough. Eventually at the far end of a parking lot, between two front end loaders and a construction trailer, beer car could be spotted, but there was no jubiliant yelling of the sweat nectar about the curse through our vanes since the bane of all hashers and underage undergrads had just rolled up in their hybrid SUVs – Skidmore college campus security.

Beer check causal red dress:

There was beer, but no water, so the hash started putting ice down each other’s clothes to cool them down, or to stimulate them, it’s hard to tell the difference. Eventually the campus rent-a-cops were called off to curtail some real underage drinking, and the beer check was able to commence in force.

Trail red safari dress:

The pack, seeing that the hares had been away for a while, and that prenenial FRBs Counterfit and IEC had started walking out in the direction the hares went, decided that meant it was time for pack away. In reality it meant that it was time for Counterfit and IEC to play swords, so we let them have it while we scouted trail. In a surprising turn for some light shiggy, trail wound through a forest and past a watertower, where Mudslut set us free from a tit check. A few hundred yards later, there was another one, but she and No Man ran off for a quickie while pack was made to wait for, well, I don’t know her name; she’s one of the awsume halve-miners who put this shit together. I think she RA’d circle Friday? Anyway, she has great tits, and let us go! Trail then wound back down a hill along the power lines to a check which was scouted false right by CEP, and while there was some very promising shiggy straight, trail actually bent back up the hill and through the parking lots towards the Skidmore dorms. There were muggles about, trying to figure out why a hundred people in red dresses were running past. When we told them we were running for beer some icey cold refreshment was offered to us, but we kept running. Up another hill and there was the hallowed mark of ON IN and true trail pointing across a set of sports fields were two buses waiting to take us back to the camp. Skinny dipping was promised so we sprinted the last leg and all piled on the first bus (first bus back is always the best bus back!).

Hymen hero is good at two things, peeing and rapping. He rapped about bath salts the entire bus ride home.

WHOREDOCK happened, and showers were cheered.

[Note: This is normally the part of trash that contains a write up on circle, but as circle was a 3 hour affair that didn’t start until sometime after we got back, the YHS (your humble scribe) will instead relate another tail…]

Sitting around the fire, after having a wonderful nap and delicious food, I overheard people talking about a “new challenge.” Being as one who needs a challenge (and I didn’t find any pet stores on trail), I perked up and paid attention. Apparently Bleeps and 2nd were talking about doing something called a Nautical mile, or something? Basically, it’s a beer mile, but swum around WHOREDOCK.  I figure I’ll check it out. Once on the dock, it turns out it was 2nd, Bleeps and someone else who were doing it, while all numbered Poo Flingers were called to through mud at the swimmers. I had nothing better to do and was beginning to get dangerously sober, so I decided to remove my gown, keep my cape, and hopefully not eat a live fish. Once we were all assembled on WHOREDOCK, we just started drinking our first beer, then jumped in. The water wasn’t very cold (or the beer was working its magic already) and after a leisurely lap, a second beer was drunk. I must say that I felt great in water, but I got gaggy/whosey everytime I climbed up that later. When the beer ran dry, more beer was called for and, wouldn’t you know, they were in the process of changing out the coors light keg, so we were drinking some good dark beer. Luckily my beard has amazing abosurbing capacity, so beers 3 and 4 went down and when the laps were completed, I stumbled off of WHOREDOCK a winner, then crawled into a bunny suit where I would remain.

Notes: The other guy came in first, I (Wiki), second, Bleeps 3rd, and 2nd – the “swimmer” and originator of this event – last.

Apparently Udderwhore and Anal Disco (*clap*clap**clapclapclap*) were taking bets. Uderwhore  - who I thought was my friend – bet against me, so she had to have 6 shots.


Happened. It was led by Piggy and last 3 hours. Hares drink, hosts drank, FRBs drank, 2nd and IEC challenged each other to who could sit on the ice longer, everyone who did the nautical mile drank, and when one furry bunny drank, all furry bunnies drank. Those onies are hard to get in and out of quickly. I don’t know how the furries do it. Eventually, with no end in sight 2nd and (someone else) just started singing swing low to force an end to circle. The ice had turned to mud anyway, and there was a super-sketchy (ie empty) dance floor, and more beer.

Anal Disco will strip if you chant her name for 5 minutes.


Happened, but never left the fire.

I’m sure other things happened, but my memory is as fuzzy as my bunny suit.

On – NURD – On



Burlington INVIHASH – Jully 10, 11, 12, Brewster camp ground, rego up soon?
GAP – August
Antibuffet – December
NURD – Next May

Thursday, May 8, 2014

HASH TRASH: The "It's not gay when it's in a three-way" hash

What: The "It's not gay when it's in a three-way" hash
When: Wednesday (every day is Wednesday!), May 7
Hares: Can't Douche Pussy
Bag car: Extra Terresticle
Who came: Virgin Heather, Anal Disco, Drunk'N Drag'In, Bring Out the Gimp, Oink Oink Ohhhhh, Cum Ear, Pappy Van Tinkle, Vagibond, Luvalamp, Conan McGlitterpussy (or something like that - Blow Cone was easier to remember), Clit Notes, Necrophiliac Jack, Giggles, Spunk, Schindlers Fist, Blowbot, Furry Thing, Passion of the Dumbass, Sketchy Ho, Maple Queef, No Man on the Moon, Dribbles, Blubber Fucker, Beat By a Girl, Wikipedophilia, a bunch of Justs, and a bunch of people who showed up at circle (Mangia, CPA, Wonka, Buttler), and anyone else who Wiki forgot

Part 1: But where are the shots?, or, the dangers of zenning

Trail began at TITS in Porter, where the bartender had prior knowledge of hashing and even said something about the "rabbits." Pretty good, eh?

Circle was unremarkable except that a new check was introduced - the "heli dick" check. Yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like. (Not mentioned at circle, but found on trail, was the even rarer "heli boobs" check - for the burlesque dancers among the harriettes, apparently).

We ventured out of TITS and down a street. I don't know the name, but it was definitely a street. We sang a delightful song affirming that you bet your ass we're happy (doo do do doo de do de do). There was a heli dick check and a heli boob check in a highly trafficked tunnel, which was... interesting. (Fun fact: I was standing at the top of the stairs to the tunnel while Wiki scouted. Suddenly he started to bobble around erratically - I could only see him from the waist up. It wasn't until I got down the stairs that I saw the heli dick check and realized what those stairs had spared me from - er, denied me of seeing.)

Eventually, like magic (or divine intervention), we ended up at Harvard Divinity School. Naturally the trail took us between some of the buildings. At one point, I was scouting when on-on was called, so I zenned in the direction pack had gone and found marks. Great! Pack took a strangely long time to catch up but, like the r*cist I am, I took off without them. 

Eventually, Wiki and Gimp found me in Harvard Yard (shout-out to the hares, who laid a very interesting trail here with marks pointing in every direction with a note to trust only the true trail marks). It was at that point that I found out, to my chagrin, that I had missed a rainbow Haterade shot check.

After that realization, I was particularly motivated to find the beer check so I could "catch up" to the rest of pack. Fortunately for me, after a little jaunt through Harvard Square, the beer check and orange food was found.

Part 2: Shit gets sloppy

Special shout-out to Luv-a-lamp here, who informed me at the beer check that he ended up finishing much of the Haterade because no one else was drinking it. It was readily apparent that he was not lying. Sure enough, he had had a truly disgusting hash crash. Like, a skinned knee and shoulder, but the kind of skinned knee where there was actually no skin left on the knee. I'm going to stop describing it now because just thinking about it is making me kinda nauseated.

After beers, orange food and cigarettes were consumed, we left the beer check. Trail continued pretty much the way trail always continues. There were some marks, there were some checks, we sang some songs. There was ANOTHER shot check - but this one had only four bottles of one of those sweet sugary drinks. Nothing much stands out to me about this part of trail except that I got to pet a really adorable golden retriever.

Part 3-way (see what I did there?)

Circle was at a never-before-used location... Paddy's Lunch! CPA, Buttler, Mangia, and Wonka all showed up. The beer was plentiful and the company was - well, adequate, as always.

We devirginized the virgin Heather (Goat made her come without even being at the hash that night, and her impression of a goat orgasm was... well, it was something). People drank for:

* Wiki drank out of his "new" shoes (which he already drank out of at the Seacoast an*lversary, but at the hash we don't get hung up on technicalities)
* missing the first shot check (me and Gimp) or leaving it early (Wiki)
* having had a threesome
* having had an orgy
* other things? Circle lasted a long time but I can't think of any other things that were out of the ordinary. Same shirts, kilts, etc. 

So that was it! It was a lovely trail. We have confirmed that CEP and Doucheland are actually different people - or one was a very convincing hologram. And if you missed trail, you're a dummy.

Trail length (by my Garmin - I probably ran a little more than most): 5.11 miles

- NURD this weekend - if you'd like a discounted rego, please contact Bum Fucking Vagibond
- 5/14: BH3 trail!
- 5/15: Moon trail!
- 5/19: Taco trail!
- 5/20: my birthday!
- 5/21: BH3 trail again!

Your faithful scribe,