Thursday, July 20, 2017

A glorious summer trail

Howdy Wankers and Bimbos!

Without our hash trash, Wiki, on trail last night, if falls upon yours truly to write up notes from trail. I'll do my best, but I was sorta drunk last night, so I might forget some important points. And I cannot guarantee as many unintentionally hilarious misspellings and grammar mistakes as you have come to expect from these hash trashes.

What: A Glorious Summer Trail
Hares: Swedish Eagle, Senor Cocksucker
Bag car: Sketchy Ho
Pack: Yellow Dick Gnome, Easy as 123, Orgasm Famine, Bottom Wrangler, Fellowship of the Cock Ring, Sex the Final Frontier, Brown vs. the Board of Fornication, Goes Down on Buoys, I Eat Tbags, Luva Lamp, No Man on the Moon, Mud Slut, The Buttler Hit It, Salty Mudflaps, Dry Hose, two visitors, three Justs, three virgins, lots more people that I either forgot or don't know their hash names or don't care

Pre-lube: American Fresh Brew House Beer Garden, in Assembly Square. 
Pack assembled (heh, see what I did there?), and some hashers tried to get info on trail, to decide whether or not to walk. Sweagle promised them that walkers trail sucked, so they might as well run. I'm pretty sure Brown vs. the Board of Fornication was the only walker. At some point, hares were gay, and pack milled about for a while longer before heading over to bag car and chalk talk.

Chalk talk: 
During chalk talk, we learned that there were not one, not two, but three virgins! We promised not to lose them, but you should never believe a hasher's promises. We learned about lots of different marks, then ran off to find trail. 

Trail part It's Summah, Kid:
First mark was a check in front of the pre-lube, and trail went through Assembly Sq, leading to a check (but strangely, not a song check) in front of the giant lego giraffe. From the check, trail led to a parking lot across the street, except it wound up being a YBF (this will be a recurring theme for trail). Trail instead took us across a bridge into Medford. We wended our way generally northward, through some neighborhoods, finding checks and falses all along the way, until we eventually turned onto some abandoned railroad tracks, and then into a wooded area to find the first beer check, about two miles in.

Beer check Where's the Beer?:
We arrived at beer check to find one hare (Senor), but no bag car or beer. Apparently Sweagle told Sketchy the wrong location, and Senor didn't have Sketchy's contact info. We started pulling out phones, trying to find Sketchy's contact info. Every time we called her, we got her voicemail, and pack was starting to become concerned about the lack of beer. I have no idea who finally got a hold of Sketchy, but eventually beer did arrive. Pack set about drinking their tasty beverages, and hares were gay at some point. Sex, Bottom Wrangler, and I shared some terrible Holocaust jokes, and eventually pack was away.

Trail part We Assume Senor Was No Longer Haring:
Trail left the woods, and we quickly found a check at a large intersection. Despite checking every direction, no one could find anything other than a false. Pack started ranging, and eventually we found a check. Once again, we could not find trail (aside from a two and out), so pack again started ranging. We finally found trail after a long section of no marks. Pack agreed that Senor must not have been haring on this section, because trail went from well-marked to a complete shit-show. We eventually ended up on a bike path, and then came across a hash sitapede. Since engaging in a hash sitapede on a well-used bike path in the dark seemed like a terrible idea, we moved over slightly, and had a mostly successful sitapede. From there, trail continued on the bike path to the second beer check, about 4 miles total into trail.

Beer check Is There Anywhere To Pee Around Here?
Short answer: no. Pack drank some more delicious beverages, ate some orange food, and contemplated the fact that there were no convenient bushes to pee behind. Sweagle promised us that we were close to the end of trail, though "close" for Sweagle is not necessarily close for anyone else. As soon as hares were gay, Bottom Wrangler called 6.9 minutes to pack away.

Trail part It's Full On Dark Now
...and almost no one had cranium lamps. Also, here's a little known fact: pink chalk is basically invisible in the dark. At this point, we were definitely somewhere in Malden. After a few checks, trail was mostly a straight shot to Waitts Mountain park, and it's beautiful views of Boston, for a total trail length of about 5.5 miles.

On-in Do You Know About Public Drinking Laws?
Pack started drinking their beverages, and hares were called into circle. Pack agreed that their trail was S-H-I-T-T-Y, so we sang them a song about their shitty trail. Visitors were brought into circle, and made to sing the songs of their people. Around this time, we realized that walker(s) had not arrived yet. When asked where Brown was, I was told she was on a "separate but unequal trail", which definitely wins comment of the night. Virgins were brought into circle, along with their sponsors, which is when we discovered that all three virgins were brought by Justs! They were demented by yours truly, illustrious Dementress Emeritus Extraordinaire! They were asked what the square root of 69 was, and a sponsor answered for them (bad sponsor!). They were also asked what a dollar over my crotch might be and after some rather creative answers that I can't remember, pack explained that one to them. We taught them how to do down downs, then tossed them out of circle. FBI, FRB, and DFL were called into circle and that's when we discovered that Brown had in fact made it to on-in! Hooray! Finally, circle was opened to accusations. I was accused of claiming to be afraid of head (head, who said head? Also, I have NEVER been afraid of head. I will not have my good name tarnished in this manner!). Circle was just getting good when we saw some flash lights coming towards us. It was, literally, 10 cops with nothing better to do then break up our harmless fun. Cop Mr. Big Shot looked to be about 20. He asked who was in charge (no one), why we were there (just finished a run), why we had to finish in this particular park (we like to switch up where we finish), and if we knew about laws governing public drinking (*crickets*). Salty was pretty sure that another of the cops was encouraging her to shot gun her beer, but instead we broke up the party, and headed down the hill to... no bag car. Sketchy was still trying to pick up the pizza, as apparently the pizza place had lost power and could not make our food! Demoralized, dejected, and hungry (not to mention far too sober), pack slowly made their way to Oak Grove station. People were about to disperse when a car came careening around a corner into the Oak Grove parking lot. It was Sketchy and Sex, with pizza! What was left of pack ate their fill, and maybe there was an on-after or something. I wouldn't know. I went home to get some sleep.

Next trail is the 7th A*nl Lingerie trail! The theme is Victoria's Secrets Angels, so get your sexy lingerie and angel wings ready!

On - this is harder to do than it seems! - on
Yellow Dick Gnome, guest Hash Trash

Thursday, July 6, 2017

In Da Panties Day XI

What: In Da Panties Day XI
Where: Bell in Hand Tavern
Who: THE 2nd Cuming, Clit Notes

Pack: Um, lets see if I can remember all this:
Do me something (transplant), Motherload, Plus 2 Coonass, Bottom Wrangler, Shart Of Darkness, Easy as 123, Orgasim Falmon, Shits and Ladders, Dry Hose, Udder Whore, Spank Me May I Have My Mother, Bum Fucking Vagabond, Blowbot, Pat My Fly, Dribbles, Yellow Dick Gnome, Just Mom, Queer and Foaming in my Anus, Can’t Eat Pussy, others I’m forgetting.

Pre-lube: Leaving the office around 5:30, I quickly stopped by the victorias secret in the mall to buy some sequined red panties which i thought would go great with my red dress and cape, though i failed to collect them at the end of the night, and made my way to the start bar.

Feeling slightly out of place in my civvies, I quickly changed into running clothes + panties in a bathroom full of confused muggles, then returned to the bar and continued to confuse more muggles as I was the only one who decided to prelube in panties. Eventually more people showed up and panties were handed out and adorned our nether regions. The hares scampered away and after finishing our beers we followed them.

Chalk talk: Was held at the top of the stairs by government center, though this wasn’t marked, my bad...anyway...we went over the checks we’d be seeing on trial, including the most important one the panty swap!

Trial granny:

Looped around the courthouse near government center, including running past an occupied police cruiser which someone - I’m going with Spank Me - could not identify as being occupied by a member of the constabulary. I guess we are only lucky that there wasn’t a panty swap or dick check in front of it. There was a check by an N-way intersection in front (another) court house and we were all standing around until I said “You know, that alley looks suspiciously hashey-like” though no one had scouted it. Shits and Ladders eventually ran up and didn’t return so we followed and called onon as we began our ascent up the backside of beacon hill. Coming to the top of the hill there were marks which lead down, but CEP and I decided to never give up the high ground and agreed that if we reached the sea plane base, we’d gone to far and would turn back (that’s like a 2 year old inside joke). However, instead of a seaplane base we found a song check and got most of the way through a butchered version (you can guess who messed up the verses) Sexual Life of  a Camel before pack caught up and we kept going. Trial then meandered down the more touristy streets of Beacon Hill and many people commented on my sparkling hips (that might be a lie), until we reached a panty swap by an outdoor cafe which I traded by sequins for a rather restrictive though. The trick with thongs is just to push everything to one side. Trial then continued through the flat of the hill, then reached the footbridge over storrow and we all stood around and waited for the FRBs to come back from the not at all predictable CB to the BC at the friendly lady’s house on the other side of the street.

Beer Check Front Stoop:

The beer check was on the same front stoop as it was last year, people milled around and drank and discussed various topics from the predictableness of trial to how to achieve general physical fitness. The male hashers also discussed the comfort levels of various panties and pantie design. The thong, once properly aligned was surprisingly comfortable, while the male speedo bottom was painfully contristicing. We convinced a passing important person - you could tell by the general disdain he had for our debauchery and that he was wearing blue tooth ear phones, to take our picture. By we convinced I mean the do me harder yelled “HEY! HEY! PERSON WALKING!” and he took our picture, however he did not take the offered beer. The hares left after hanging out for a while and despite the RAs best intentions, pack might have given them 8 minutes.

Trial thongs:

That pack gave the hares 8 minutes is a slight technicality; people started scouting in a very lazy fashion after about 8 minutes, but we didn’t find trial until about 15 had passed so it all works out in the end. Trial ran through the gardens, past a wedding photograph, and crossed into the common. Glutenless turned left and followed a very attractive runner across the common before admitting that he was following ass, not marks. Marks were laid in the other direction to a song check in the marble gazebo type thing. We sang “hashers, meet the hashers” then ran off to find trial crossing Boylston street. At the point the inventory of panties were well know and people were yelling out “I want the pink thong” or “give me boys, boys, boys” or “who has america, i want the flag!” as we traded panties in front of some fancy wine bar. A muggle ask what we were doing and after giving a quick ernest response of “panties are hard to put on” answered that we’re a drinking club with a running problem, then ran off to follow pack. Slightly confused from the new construction, I thought the shot check was in front of the strip clubs, but instead it was in a rather fancy alley behind some new condo building. There were more shots than people and had your humble narrator not loved America so much the night before, he would have been more game for drinking them, but given as though half of pack was in the same condition (loving america), the shots were sadly abandoned as we ran through the theater district. There was a check back to an alley through BU/Tufts Medical to a final panty swap near the Wang Theatre. I looked around and said “I’m gonna scout the Silhouette” and no one followed me, but, after cutting through some choice alleys I saw “Have you figured it out yet?” in chalk, then the hares talking to the MC of the evening outside the Boston’s favourite dragshow bar.


(RA’s note: circling with cat walks is amazing)
Knowing what was going to happen later, we decided to get circle out of the way as soon as everybody was in and had a beer. The hares were called into circle and while a lot of people were surprised at where their panties ended up, no one was surprised at where the trial ended up. We told the hares that they should’ve used more flour and chalk and they sang back to us about this great old car that they used to drive. They drank and got out of circle. Next, since we had no virgins or visitors, we called the transplant into circle. She ended up coming to Boston by a long and circuitous route (via circus, crescent shiggy and denmark), but now that she’s here she’ll be pretending to be a smaht kid at some brick building school north of the river.  She’s stupid, but she sang us a great song about STDs and dinosaurs, and we welcomed her as one of us. This didn’t actually happen, but it should have, so given the lack of virgins we called in In Da Panties Day virgins and they confessed that while they had never run around the city in panties before, they all had dreamed of it and Spank Me sang them a great number about running ‘round in women’s underwear. FRBs and FBIs were called in - Jack and Vag - and they were accused of sex on trial; DFL (Foamy?) came next (if at all) and we sang him a short song he could understand then kicked him out, but only for a second, as it was on to accusations. Apparently Mr. In My Anus has some problems with seeing things, like speed bumps that are around ankle level and tripped over a couple on Beacon Hill, so he drank for the end of the month. Continuing on with accusations Udder Whore was accused of wearing new shoes, and we, being hashers of science, subjected them to a gravity test - which they failed so she drank (and the shoes actually tasted new!). Accusations continued on to anyone with same shirts or racist attire, and they were made to drink for their crime but were reminded that at least it wasn’t cum.  Other accusations followed, but apparently Udder wasn’t the only hasher with new shoes, Easy as 123 was accused of a similar crime, and her shoes also failed the gravity test. The beer was running low so a final call for accusations was put out and Just Mom announced that she would like to accuse her son (the hare, THE 2nd Cuming) of having a birthday! So Just Mom administered the down-down and we sang about instest time in Texas before going into the birthday chant. There were more accusations, and some announcements (see below), but circle was ending and food had arrived so we swang low.

On - In Da Panties! - On

Saturday: There might be a beaver trial; check the facebook group.

Tuesday 7/11: BH3 Mismanagment meeting -> Do you want to help run this shit? Really, you’re an idiot, but please come to the MM meeting to start planning for next year! It’s really fun!

Wednesday 7/12: Hashing Of the Bulls -> Another annual trial in which pack chases the hares (Twat My Mom and Justine Beaver) while being chased by bulls! Start location will be posted soon.

Thrusday 7/13: July Full(ish) Moon/Invihash Pre-lube trial: Hared by Laurance My Labia, Quater Mile and “Myster Co-hare” start is JJ Foleys in DTX, “mystery shots!” will be on trial!

Friday-Sunday: Invihash in Burlington VT:
It’s a campout week in North VT, and probably one of the top 5 New England area anual events.

Boston H3 needs hares for July, August and September. If you want to hare a trial, contact the hare raisers:

B3H3TM3.69 -> Ballbuster trust me, September 22-24

Sometime in October: AGM

Sometime in November: Sadie

Sometime in December: Anti-buffet

Sometime in January: Robbie Burns

Sometime in Feburary: Moon Away

Boston H3 Marathon Weekend -> April 13-15

Sometime in May: NURD, NUDE, or whatever they call it.

Around July 4th, IN DA PANTIES DAY XII

(stop reading, drink a beer)