Thursday, September 18, 2014

What: Pirate Hash
Who: Peeping Tom Pussy, Udder Whore
Where: The Sail Loft
I actually wrote down who came!\

[This is what is in my phone, so most of these are short-hand…and…it looks like I spelled some names wrong, but I am going to keep the original spellings for comedic effect]

Douche, Bum Fucking Vag, Guy From Spain, Clit Notes, Famine, Too much hard, Black cok, Coonass, Butts, Krusty, CPA, Bouys, Bbag, Blond Guy, Sex tff, Just m, Nhph, white flash, blubber, pat my fly, cep, Postnasslal hizzuh, spank me, just mo, jack, goat, sugar, 2nd, jello, jolly, mud slut, blow bot, air force girl…and that’s where my list stopped.

There were others, and a few virgins. This is why taking attendance on a broken iphone isn’t always the best idea.


Was located half-way between bar car and the bar, however bag car was located half-way between the bar and the 2nd beer check, but we’ll get back to that. Krusty asked us to introduce ourselves, where we are from, and what a pirate sounds like when they cum, which elicited some interesting responses, the ones I remember are “shiver me timbers” “swamp me blanks” and something about hopping around on one leg and leaving in the morning. Spunk is a quiet pirate. The marks were going to be “P” not arrows because trail was going to overlap with last week, and the pirate hares thought that a.) they would lay marks and b.) that the hares last week laid enough marks that we might get confused.

That’s confusing. Let’s get onto trail.

Trail Boarding party:

Starting from circle we ran back to the start where the first check was. There was a true trail pointing around the wharf, which I foolishly ignored and ran straight, eventually finding a random mark pointing towards the Long Wharf Marriot. Jack and I ran through the Marriot and found a “Seal/Duck” (Eagle/Turkey) split. I took the Seal/Eagle and ran around the aquarium and saw neither seals nor marks. Apparently I ran right past a shot check, and came back out and run up and down the green way for a while. I ran into Jolly and White Flash, also lost, then lost them and ran into Phanual Hall. I was running around yelling “RU?” when some muggles pointed and said “Um, they are over there” pointing me back to Christopher Columbus park. I found the BC as the hares were leaving. Two weeks in a row! From now on, no one let me zen!

BC #1:

Unfortunately, I can’t report on the beer check, since I wasn’t there. I will however, take the time to compliment the hares on an amazing first leg; now that I know what it was, it was assume. I probably would have had a great time if I, you know, followed marks.

Trail Before the mast:

However, I’m an idiot and I zenned off again from the BC towards the Garden, and eventually found Blubber running out a false near the entrance to the Callahan tunnel. I paralleled him for a block, then briefly found back at a check in the north end and took off down a two and out with 5 inch. Following my hasher sense, I ran up the biggest hill I could find, but there was neither pack, beer, nor hares at the top. Looking down the otherside of the hill, I saw CEP at a check running towards the Hot Mess/Slip and slide BC, and I followed him, and actually got to the BC on time!

BC #2:

At the BC I learned that I was actually 0 for 2 on shot checks, which would explain why everyone was so much more drunk than I was.  What happened…nothing of note; beer was had when it arrived, and we stood around drinking for a long time. With our beers pretty much empty, we looked around and saw the hares still there, they were chased off and we waited a bit before chasing them. As we were about to leave, they came running back! We all then had a second beer (there was plenty) and eventually they left again, though they had picked up Goat as a super-secret co-hare. Again we tried to leave, but were told to wait.

Trail Plunder:

Trail went over the Charlestown bridge and no body zenned to the dog park, instead we ran in a nice loop around Bunker hill before going to said dog park. There were jokes and a check back on trail. Other than that, it was unremarkable. Best marked section of trail, though, perhaps due to the secret co-hare?


I’m just going to start with this; average beers consumed by pack as this point was 2 or 3, plus 2 shot checks. What do you except happened? We formed a vague circle-like object around the beer and the RAs and the hares were called in. Bloody was also called in because he’s still paying off his debt from last week’s trail. We informed them that they should have used more flour or chalk, and they sang to us about their time on the high seas upon the good ship Venus.  Circle was very quickly devolving, and we called in epic backsliders – White Flash – who hadn’t hashed with Boston since “98 or 99.” Anyone who ever hashed with White Flash was called in, Pat and Dribbles, and anyone who was old enough to have hashed, Bouys and Spank Me, were also called in. Where oh where were they for the last decade? Next came the virgins. One, a male, was wearing a red shirt. No one could hear him, so he took his shirt off. We still couldn’t hear him, but at least he wasn’t wearing a shirt. The other virgin, a wyld stallion, did not take off her shirt, but would watch porn with her parents. We dosed them in beer, and they are now justs. The red-shirt virgin wasn’t the only one disrobing, as Blubber and Krusty were now down to their skivvies, or, in Krusty’s  case, neon-orange-tighties. Brunch Hard. GTFO. Next, in a break of tradition, but an admission that the RAs could no longer control themselves, or the circle, announcements were called, and I might list them later. CPA and Butts had an announcement: SHOTS FIRED!!! And a mass of lightly-clothed hashers tackled and threw themselves on Krusty. Some thought that it was standard secret service procedure to dry hump the person you are protecting, but mostly beer and dust flew everywhere. Since Krusty’s undergarments were covered in beer and dust, he removed them. After that we got onto accusations; anyone who missed the shot checks drank, anyone flying internationally in the next month drank, former GMs drank, bald guys drank, I’m just making shit up now, but everyone else drank too. CPA and Butler stripped, yelled “UGH” and disappeared, so everyone started sheepishly undressing, because that’s normal.  They returned a few minutes later, but we decided that we should probably eat some food before we got arrested, and Disco provided us with more pizza than God. We ate, drank, almost ran out of beer, then eventually UGHed. This hash trash ends with the beginning of the UGH because while I will gleefully recount UGHs in the backwoods of Vermont, around expensive ski-condos or girl scout camps in Albany, I do have some respect for “the law” and feel as though a recounting of such an event might be a tad over the line. Not that all of circle wasn’t beyond the pale, but, whatever, I’m hung over and rambling.

On – beer and rum are better together – On


Boston AGM – October 11th, probably the Bell In Hand, dress up as your favourite SNL character.
October 25th: Boston Moon AGM, Masquerade Ball
November 8th – Space Unicorn H3 presents The Moons of Saturn Hash, rego now!
Some other time in Novemeber: Saddie Hawkins
December 12-14: Antibuffet
Some other time in December: Taco trust me?
Sometime in the winter: Moon away
April 18th: Marathon Main Event!
Sometime in May: NURD
Sometime in July: Invihash

Sometime in August: GAP

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Remember the 90s Trash

What: Some random 90s trail?
Where: Hong Kong, Fanual Hall
When: 9/10/14,
Bloody Slip Inside
Queer and Foaming in my Anus
Blonde McFucksAlot


Blubber Fucker, Krusty the Meatmiser, Bend Over Mommy, Easy as 123, Anal Disco, Post Nazzal Jizz, Goat Throat, Goes Down on Bouys, Pat My Fly, Dribbles, Spunk in the Trunk, Sketchy Ho, Wikipedophilia, Twat My Mom, Willy Wonka and the Backdoor Factory, Jello Wrecked ‘Em, Spank Me May I Have My Mother, He’s Gone Gaywol, Placentos the Freshmaker, Sex The Final Frontier, Necorphiliac Jack, A vistor from NYC, Some guy who’s moving back to Spain, The Butler Hit It, Blowbot, Vagatarian, 5inch Plenatly, 3 Ring Cervix, Other’s I’m Forgetting, Justs, NO VIRIGINS


Bag car was conveniently parked nowhere near the start, so pack trudged a few blocks to some random car in front of An Tain, dropped are shit off and circled up. The RAs – Blubber and Krusty – spent most of the time drawing marks and learning our names. They might have gone over marks, but, lets be honest, it didn’t really mater. Our only starting instructions from the hares were “The First mark is on state street.”

Trail Cruel:

There was a YBF pointing towards the city on state street, and that’s about it. No one saw any other marks until some uber scouting yielded a group hug on at the mouth of Hancock street. From there, trail ran straight to the base of the bridge to Charlestown, turned right with an S/S check (marks on either side of the street apparently), to the 2nd beer check from Hot Mess, minus beer, glitter and the slip inside. This is the trail that the majority of pack followed, there was, however, a very poorly marked trail that went a completely different route. From state street, it somehow got to a true trail pointing through the Long Wharf Marriot, eventually leading to a tit check at the end of the next wharf, where I left Placentos to wait for tits. With one mark leading around the building and back to whatever street that is, there was another check in front of the next wharf. This has to be one of my favourite checks ever; there was nothing leading back down the wharf, but three falses (all two and nothings) rounding different blocks to a point where you could stand in the middle of the street and see arrows pointing at you from all directions. True trail was marked a block over and cut through the north end to another check on Hancock street; falses right and straight and trail leading down Hancock to the afore mentioned Group Hug, where I found that Goat Throat had become a super seceret hare since he lay pack marks every 10 feet from the Hug to the beer. I finally got to the beer check as pack away was called.

Trail Intentions:

In case you are wondering, I exhibited very poor judgment on trail. Example number 2 is that since the rest of pack zenned off 2/3rds of the first leg, I figured I’d get the back by zenning off 2/3rds of the second leg by blowing through a CB, crossing into Charlestown, running over the bridge to North Point, not seeing anyone, then running back across the locks, and eventually catching up with pack at a hare snare at the Musem of Science, maybe 100 yards past where I had turned around.  After giving the hares time, we continued trail to see the BC#2 at end of the Charles River Park, or whatever, you know, where the lingerie hash BC was. There was beer.

BC #2:

Beer was drunk – there was enough for everyone this time - and the hares deviously left buggles for orange food. Apparently they ran out of beer at the first BC? Good thing I wasn’t there…They left, and we followed.

Trail Sequel:

As trail went on, the marks got better, so it was very easy to follow trail around and through the Cambridge Side Galleria. Emerging back on the channel to a song check we serenaded the confused customers about all the jobs we tried, and failed, to hold down in Chicago. Coming out of the mall was a “Chose your own adventure check.” Krusty, 5 inch and I followed Queer and Foaming, while the majority of pack, I believe, followed Blonde. The QF trail looped through Lechmere and East Cambridge before coming back in behind Kenndal to another hare snare/joint check. Yup. QF left a joint on trail. Rage. Apparently there was a shot check in the playground on Blonde’s trail. We were pretty much On-In from there; one check to turn pack into the Kendal Square restaurant area, which I, of course, guessed the wrong direction and came looping back around the block when everyone was unloading bag car, but, whatever, we had all made it to the ONIN at Flat Top Johnnies.


The hares were called into circle and Foaming assumed a very strange face down ass up position, while the other hares just knelt around him. His wife was told to take notes. They said nothing in defense of their trail – there was really nothing to say – and we informed them that they should have used more flour or chalk, or not run out of chalk. Just, always bring more chalk than you think you’ll need. They then sang us S&M man which went on until we started to scare the wait staff. During the end of S&M one of the beer bitches spilled beer all over the RAs, intentionally, so the BBs were called in. In a moment of brilliance, we sang them about a farmer we all know and love. There was a whale on his farm, and everyone was sprayed with beer. The RAs, judging the pack as properly drunk, decided to do announcments early. We’ll see how well I remember them when I write them later. From there it was accusation time. We accused those leaving us (the guy from spain) or coming back to us (Black Cock Down). We accused racist attire and no hash attire. We accused the tacos hares of drawing a dick check in front of Krusty’s office. We accused Krusty of not flashing his coworkers. We accused Orgasim Famine of being a sweat test failure, and disco of having a kitty. We accused the hares for being snared, and former GMs for being former GMs. We accused everyone who was late for trail because they watched the Red Sox lose, and we accused the circle of disintegrating. 
We swang low.

There were burger for all and fries for most.




Habadasher: Patches are ordered, and there’s a limited run of t-shirts cuming, talk to twat.

Saturday (9/13): Seacoast Red Dress (Pub Crawl) -> Dover, NH. Check out the event on FB?

Saturday (9/20): Ball Buster Trust Me in Maine – Do you trust Blubber? Why? Are you a fucking idiot? Talk to him, or go, there might be a link there?

Saturday (10/11): Boston AGM – Some dumb fucks want to keep this shit show going next year; drink with them!

Friday (10/10-Monday 10/13) Poof Middle of Nowhere Hash – Camp in bum-fuck no-where maine.

Saturday (10/18-19) – Happy Valley 300th Run/15th AGM -


November 14th – Saddie? Rumored? Maybe?

December 12-14th – Antibuffet XI, rego up soon?

April 18th – BH3 M*rathon Hash- Vivia La Revolution!

Why are you still reading? Get a drink already!