What: The Big Lebowski H@sh
When: A long friggin time ago(AKA Oct 11th)
Who: Hares Shawskank and 5” Penalty
Bag Car: Just Sarah (F#cksaw)
RA: Necrophiliac Jack
Scribing: the Maid of Honor
Pre-lube: Clark's in South Station
Pack: The Maid of Honor, Floppy D1ck, Cocktologist, Necrophiliac Jack (RA), Just Raina, Better late than Pregnant, Just Sandra, Grease my Monkey's Nuts, Just Heather, Virgin Mark, Just Kim, Just Zeek, Sugar Plum Fairy, Pat My Fly, Just Jenny, Jamaican me c#m, Hare club, Just Ted (Moose Knuckles) Goat Throat, Bend over Mommy, Stickin it to the Bros, Just michelle, TBags
Memorable phone call while waiting at the pre-lube: Shawskank: So is Clarks IN South Station...
an auspicious start!
Things started off normally enough. Some choice beverages and a few people in appropriate bathrobes. Soon after we saw off the hares and the pack settled back into their beverages. Soon we too had to leave the warm confines of the bar and brave the chilly Boston air. Outside of South Station we flumoxed about a bit trying to find trail but picked it up heading south toward the piers. This was going very well with the sun shining down on us and we followed happily along a well marked trail.
Funny thing happened.. We realized it was in fact not the correct well marked trail. It was the AGM trail. FML! After some back tracking we got back to what we assumed was trail and followed it for a bit.
Deja Vue time, We then found the Moon H@sh trail of two days before. At this point as I remember it (and lets face it who are you to question what I'm saying here. I had a very official looking notepad, which I would never write lies in just to prompt messages like this later) we started to test out methods for dating the h@sh marks. Close visual examination seems to be the go to with taste tasting coming in as a sorry second. Old chalk and new chalk both taste similar. With a refined palette the subtleties of the drunken p1sses and hobo stank will start to show through in the older marks.
Back on subject! We back tracked more and eventually found what looked like fresh marks and a part of town that no one could remember running on at any of the other recent H@shes. Progress? We got down near the fish pier and ran smack into what we all agreed had to be a meeting of the mafia. Down on a pier in classic, well-maintained American cars... wearing suits and calling eachother a mix of Vito's and Tony's. Sure it could have been the American Legion.. but this is the H@sh! Boring things don't happen! Also thikn we spotted the oldest hookers ever out on the pier.
Right about then (on what I think was 3+ miles in with our detours) most of the pack took a left towards the fish wharf and I started following a very well marked trail. G-damn. Not the trail again.
We back tracked and out on the end of the Fish Pier we found the pack happily drinking white russians and enjoying a quick dip in the harbor.
Wait what? Yeah that's right. Goat throat went swimming. Luckily the only state troopers we met from this harbor swimming trip were in cars. And they didn't bat an eye at us.
Overheard at this point:
Shawskank to her co-hare 5” “You are such a needy cohare!!”
Just Sandra: “I want bigger!”
Jamaicain: “Yeah, but sometimes the big ones are to much work”
Whatever that means. Hares away and the pack follows soon after.
I should have mentioned that on the way down we passed by the convention center and what not. Only say this because it helps set up the confusion that ensued when we AGAIN passed by following trail and found the old cement colored chalk was now crossed out with a new direction. This was a flash point for a moment of tension when part of the pack which allegedly had been utilizing A MAP!!!!! went on the old trail and the folks who had been painstakingly following the trail knew this was old trail. They did not inform the folks running back in a circle. Was there map involved? Who knows, but they were a fit bunch and clearly needed the detour.
The trail continued meandering back towards South Station, at one point crossing back onto itself... which also meant it was now on top of the current H@sh direction 1, AGM, and moon H@sh... This was difficult to follow. Seriously, I had a headache! (Full disclaimer: I think I was hungover as sh!t) This was about the point we all started to cheer that a long trail (pushing 5-6 miles by now) was coming to an end and that perhaps this was an A to A trail.
Nope. More time spent being lost and back tracking. Soon we found ourselves in the neighborhood of the Hong Kong. Surely the madness was coming to an end. Not even close. Henceforth the act of bringing the pack near the Hong Kong but not ending the trail in its hallowed halls will be known as a “Kong Tease.” So yea, Shawskank is a giant Kong Tease. Our esteemed Hares managed to find one of the sketchier alleys behind Hong kong and we had BC #2. At this point we were all a bit tired but still up for the sport of things. We came to a discovery that Necro was sporting a perma-boner. I know some people tried to take pictures with it. More novelty than impressive. However that didn't stop the harriets from chalking it. To try and distract the pack from his half mast, Necro attempts to climb the side of a building. He managed to climb a ways, but apparently it was an exhilarating experience as he came back from it at maybe ¾ staff. Pack is very ammused. Just Zeek takes it upon himself at this point to welcome Necro down to Rhode Island H3 anytime as it is “A strictly gay H@sh.”
Hares away again. And the pack to follow. Much of this next section my mind has blocked out to preserve some semblance of happiness. We made it to the Common and found a Check back. Yea.. It is impossible to over mark a trail.
I won't go into the details of how we again found the trail but it was an act of desperation. Quite a few of us were starting to pretend we were cast offs of the old fahts H@sh with knee and ankle complaints running wild. Pretty sad.
We made it to Jacques!!! which was the On-In!
Everyone staggered in and sat themselves dejectedly around the tables in one of the H@sh's favorite watering holes. Even though we didn't end at BBAG's place, we did manage to bump into our drunk and he stopped by Jacques for a bit. Never one to shirk his duties!
More interesting quotes:
Necro (in regards to a hot asian tranny) “And then she grabbed my junk!”
Just Sandra “It's better to not get stiff..... well SOMETIMES!”
Circle
Virgin Mark was called into the circle. His sponsor Just Kim accompanied him. Upon being asked to demonstrate a proper lap dance he readily complied! Just Kim confirmed through her response that he was indeed doing a good job. Especially after the shirt came off. We'll wait for confirmation from them to see what happened later.
Visitors:
Grease my Monkey's Nuts and Goat Throat sang about incest. No surprises there.
Backsliders:
Just Sandra, Just Kim, Tbags, 5” penalty, Better late than pregnant, and Jamaican. I'm sure they sang something. Lets pretend it was a rousing round of Poker Face.
Accusations:
FRB: Hare Club
FBI: Just Heather
DFL: Tbags
Sitting in Circle: (F you all I was trying to take notes) The Maid of Honor
Stripping: Goat Throat and Tbags
Map Checking: Necro, Just Ted, Just Zeek, Bros
And then someone realized we were all wearing red for some reason so we had a red shrt party and all drank.
Necro then anounced he had snared the hares.
And proceeded to try and pants the harriet.
Word to the wise: Depending on what reaction you want, ascertain the presence of undergarments before pantsing someone in running tights.
Word to the Harriets: Landing strips are an excellent decision.
Word to the Pantser: expect swift justice from the pack... and male trimming might just give you that optical inch you desire. Ref http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/
Passing over my strong urge to document further H@sher grooming techniques (Fisty, I get it! You are a strong proud woman!)
NAMING TIME!
Just Sarah: Who has so nicely hared and bag carred repeatedly was called into the circle with little chance of escaping.
Stories: on her first H@sh she performed admirably and woke up in the ER with a recorded BAC of 0.369. Props!
I also have a note here that said she gave a pole dance demonstration on Jack's Pole. If that means more to one of you than to me I welcome the input. (welcoming input.... I made a funny)
Naming possibilities: “No Beer without ER” “Pole .369”
New story about her and a perpetual in and out machine at work.. She declared it a “F#cksaw!”
No surprises here, We now present you with “F#cksaw!” (Less shocking a month after the naming, but at least it is documented)
More Accusations:
Half Mast Buddies: Necro and Just Zeek (contagious boys?) Thank goodness we had the C0cktologist on hand to let them know that they were approaching the point at which they should seek medical attention.
Beer wasting (BOOOO!) Preggers
Pre-emptive fluid consumption: Virgin Mark and Just Kim (was there post H@sh fluid consumption as penance?)
Ironic pointing: Cocktologist
Private Party: Just Zeek and Preggers
And that did it. We ate tasty sandwiches, drank a few more drinks, and then bemoaned the lack of tranny shows on Sunday afternoons.
-The Maid of Honor
P.S. The Stache H@sh is next Sunday starting at Our House East at 2:30 HST. I have been growing out this beast for all of you and I need it gone. c#m and validate my efforts!
P.P.S. The Furry H@sh is January 10th.www.Spirithalloween.com is running a special on halloween costumes until the 29th of November. You can now find yourself a cheap furry suitable outfit.
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