Johnny Cash Hash

(because Johnny Cash is cooler than worms)

Hares: I Licked Butts, The Crying Gay
Bag Car: Bloody P*ssy
RA: Tw*t My Mom
Pack: e=I'm a Douche, Cocksmith, Goat Throat, Tw*t My Mom, Bondage Barbie, Yankee Pay $5 More, 5" Penalty
Wanger: Bend Over Mommy
Pre-lube: Casey's, Somerville
On-in: Under the Charlestown Ave Bridge in Cambridge
On-after: Courtside, Cambridge
Weather: Lousy!! 50 degrees, raining and windy; the middle of a Noreaster that continues to pummel the state

A small pack gathered at Casey's, much to the chagrin of the hares who were hoping to recycle the trail for marathon. Suckers. I was so happy to discuss Don Cherry with 5" and $5 that I nearly let my parking meter expire. Slumerville has apparently decided that it thinks it is Boston, with meters running until 8pm.

Right as we were leaving for bag car, Goat Throat showed up. Great timing, I expect running trail in the rain with a bag is probably not the most fun …

So I have no idea where trail went or what happened on trail. No one would tell me. So here is what else happened:

The beer check was in a sandbox under a roof in Ryan Playground, near the big Sullivan Square rotary. Since it was rainy, windy, and cold, we didn't stay there that long. Just long enough to drink a beer, eat some cheesy poofs, and all shout out "Moose" at the same time. And I got to relay my favorite story of an out-of-stater trying to pronounce a Massachusetts name: Cochituate came out "Cock-a-twatty." Not kidding.

So when the hares said that there was a check in front of bag car, what they neglected to note was that it was a t*t check. And of course, Goat refused to carry the beer to the car until he saw some t*ts. Well, he got me back later.

The on-in was under the bridge that connects Charlestown to Cambridge. I was quite amused sitting in my warm car watching the pack wander around through the park trying to find trail. Suckers. Although they had all acquired hubcaps on trail, apparently from running through a recycling center.

We quickly circled up and after quickly serenading the hares and performing an abbreviated version of "I used to work in Chicago" (I will note that both of these songs allowed the Crying Gay to brag about the size of his c*ck, prompting cries of `b*llshit, B*llshit…), we proceeded on to comments on trail:

• My shoes are too dry
• Not enough hubcaps on trail
• Annnhhhhh
• Not enough paper separated from plastic
• Not enough white trash, too much wet trash
• What trail?

Accusation, etc:

• FRB/FBI – Goat Throat, Bondage Barbie, Bloody P*ssy
• The Crying Gay is building a garden. Apparently he needs some Mexicans like 5" Penalty and Yankee Pay $5 More to help him out. So they all drank.
• Cocksmith accused Glitorus of not being in attendance, so he drank for him
• Bloody P*ssy, The Crying Gay, and e=I'm a Douche had moonburn (in my defense, I was under shelter nearly the entire hash!)
• I Licked Butts drank for accusing The Crying Gay of being hilarious (clearly a false accusation)
• Bloody P*ssy drank because bag car lost its hubcaps (apparently, at least, although none of the hubcaps produced actually match the car!)
• Bloody P*ssy drank again for somehow losing a s*x toy on trail despite not running trail but shall we just say this particular item was so impressive in size (I would estimate its height at about 3 feet) that I agreed to drink anyway
• Then Goat Throat made Cocksmith drink for making Bloody P*ssy need s*x toys
• Then Goat Throat made Tw*t drink for not drinking enough in circle
• Cocksmith drank for not smoking enough in circle
• Barbie drank because her gloves were wet, so clearly she was fingering herself on trail
• Then there was a social because we were all idiots for being out on such a night
• Finally, The Crying Gay drank for bestiality. I forget why.

We finished up circle and quickly proceeded to the on-after to drink overpriced PBR and eat very doughy pizza. But the bartender had some amazing facial hair going on. And the Bruins beat the Devils!

Heard before and then after the hash:

• "What's that sound? Oh wait, it's me!" – Ice Princess (oops, sorry, wrong hash, but I still find that hilarious)
• "Give me an alley and my pants are down." – Goat Throat
• "I promised myself I wouldn't get wet tonight." – Bloody P*ssy
• "I usually try to say at least one stupid thing just so I can quote myself." – Bloody P*ssy

- Bloody P*ssy

March Madness Hash

Friar says:
Hello everyone - since none of the regular scribes were there, I am attempting to scribe. At the Newtowne, I took notes on a paper plate (which I still have) but started half way through the virgins. I filmed the opening circle so I'll be able to get the attendance list that way.

Nips/Jamaican - do you remember the names of the virgins. I got the last two. I remember a lot of them were with the Army and not supposed to be drinking.

Did anybody know where trail was supposed to go. Hares - this is your chance to set the record straight, since I'll have not choice but to believe you. As usual, I caught up with the people who were lost - Oh wait, that was most of the pack at some point.

Anyway - going through a particularly bumpy patch of sky, but it's not that much worse than the Silver Line to the airport.


Someone responded with:
For the virgins, I cant remember their real names.... all I can really remember is:

• Loud Red-Neck guy wearing jeans/t-shirt and carrying a bottle of Gatorade filled w/ piss colored vodka
• Business Casual Walker who dresses better for a hash than I do for work

 Song Checks (fail):

• I used to work in Chicago, Sh*tty Trail

Comments on trail:

• "With this many virgins, we can afford to lose 2-3 and no one will notice"
• "With the trail this well marked, it must be False" (it was)
• "Are you running for beer?" ( 8 year old girl in playground)
• "The geese definitely havent migrated north yet....this baseball field 
• isnt covered in sh*t " (Gimp)

On-in comments:

• "Wow, we really stink" (Jamaican Me C*m)

Accusations:

• Failed Sweat Test (Gimp memory failure of who actually got called in)
• Marks too close together
• Moose Knuckle had more marks on trail than the hares

St. Patty's Day Hash

Hares: Dribbles, I Eat Tea Bags
Bag Car: Bondage Barbie

Pre-lube: Hanc*ck Tavern, Quincy

On-in: Cagney's, Quincy

Weather: Lousy!! About 38 degrees and pouring rain; the middle of a lovely Noreaster

RA: Bend Over Mommy

Wangers: e=I'm a Douche, Tw*t My Mom

Observer: Cyrus

Pack: Brigham Tongue, Ski Bobbit, C*mlocker, Bend Over Mommy, The Buttler Hit It, Wee Willy W*nker, Virgin Edward, Stick It to the Bros, Stops to Pet the P*ssy¬

OK, well I am surprised that I even made it to this trail between the hangover from the Seacoast Green Dress run the day before, and the fact that the weather was just flat out lousy. And apparently no one can be bothered to go to Quincy which is sad, because there are some great trails down there.

Bend Over Mommy was channeling Goat Throat by wearing a skin-tight cellophane (or whatever, it was red plastic) number which she thought might keep her dry. I, on the other hand, like an idiot declined to wear my waterproof jacket instead opting for a sweatshirt that was more like 20 pounds of dead weight within about 15 minutes.

After a quick chalk talk on the back of Buttler's jacket, we were off to find trail. Happily for everyone the hares weren't trying to confuse us so we pretty quickly found trail, and ran through the neighborhoods and a pretty cool stretch through some campus before commencing what felt like a deathmarch past an elementary school and up to what appeared to be a beer check, because we saw bag car, the hares' bags of flour, and a trail leading into some sort of marsh park. However, we couldn't find the hares anywhere, and really who cares about the hares but we couldn't find the BEER.

Barbie called and confirmed that the hares were indeed in the park somewhere so we wandered in. Eventually I quit trying to avoid walking through the puddles since my feet were already soaked. We found the hares (and Guinness and whiskey!) by an old cemetery facing out deeper into the marsh. Apparently that is where trail was supposed to go, but what had been navigable mud when scouting had turned into an impassable river, and luckily for us our hares weren't *that* crazy.

So after the beer check we headed back out to the road. Virgin Edward found an unopened Bud Lite on trail and proceeded to throw it away (for which he later drank beer that wasn't so sk*nk). After running down the road a bit, the remainder of the trail was mostly shaggy – it cut into the marsh and ran essentially along the edge of it. Jumping over the natural and man-made culverts was great fun … for a while. At one point along here I made the comment that the only part of me that wasn't soaking wet yet was my *ss, then I got lazy and nearly didn't make it over one of the culverts. I can tell you, landing *ss first in one of those would definitely have gotten it wet in one of the most unpleasant ways possible!

Emerging on the other side of the marsh near a school we came across C*mlocker who had lost trail. We found it, though (the more eyes the better when the flour is quickly washing away) and ran through what appeared to be cross country trails for a while until we lost trail again. Happily, upon gaining higher ground we figured out where the pack must have emerged and C*mlocker saw a mark cleverly hidden behind a tree. A bit too cleverly, I am so glad she was there!

We ran past where the January moon hash ended (this has all happened before, and will happen again!) and back down the hill. Cheaters that we are, we knew one of the directions off a check led nowhere so we followed the real trail up to 3A where we found empty bags of flour, a couple faint chalk arrows, and not long after were on hare (Tea Bags), and walked the remainder of trail (which he promised was a half mile and was actually more like a mile!). Note to future hares – when laying flour trail in a monsoon, you need about 1 ½ times as much flour as usual (as I had discovered the day before!).

Arriving at Cagney's was very exciting mainly because we could all change into some dry clothes. The walkers' trail today involved walking 4 blocks to the T, taking the T one stop, and walking to the on-in. Nice. I'm surprised the walkers hadn't started in on the sandwiches & stuff while waiting for our soaking wet butts to arrive!

After everyone who wanted to had changed, Mommy called us to circle.

Comments on trail:

• Not enough shiggy
• Not enough crawling through the mud
• A little too dry
• No t*t checks
• Not enough swimming

Today we had one virgin, who apparently came to part of trail last week but was never demented. Virgin Edward claimed that the internet made him c*m (that old story again). He would "of course" get off a bus full of homosexuals, and while he was a math major did not know the square root of 69 although he did get the joke pretty quickly. Other good quotes: "That's $1 in front of a v*gina"

When asked if he would help his uncle Jack off the roof: "You've got it! He's my uncle, man, that's family!"
If he were a male sheep he would f*ck a female sheep (really, what sort of a question is that? That's just silly). His favorite sexual position is reverse cowgirl.

Out of a pack of nine, we had three visitors (Ski Bobbit from Old Fahts, Stops to Pet the P*ssy¬ from Burlington, and Wee Willy W*nker from White House H3). Thank goodness for the visitors! Dribbles drank as an ex-co-GM and so Tea Bags drank for being her co-hare, and Buttler and Mommy drank for also being current GMs.

Accusations and other stuff that went down in circle:

• Someone accused the walkers for taking public transit, but since that was the walkers trail it was a false accusation
• Dribbles accused Tea Bags of spilling Guinness on her
• The hares were accused of choosing a pre-lube that did not serve Guiness (but it did have Long Hammer IPA and free goldfish!)
• Stops to Pet the P*ssy¬ accused the RA of causing the terrible weather but then had to drink too because that accusation made no sense whatsoever
• Mommy accused the hares of trying to re-create the Pearl Necklace by making us hash in a monsoon
• Buttler accused Mommy of blood on trail but she wasn't actually bleeding so he drank for a false accusation
• Buttler accused Brigham Tongue of having a sex toy on trail (this was a rubber ball) but Mommy proclaimed that he had to drink for calling a breast implant a sex toy
• Then Ski drank for spilling beer
• Buttler had to drink for trying to take over running circle from the RA (booo!)
• Stops to Pet the P*ssy¬ then drank for accusing Mommy's socks of being new shoes (ok this doesn't make a lot of sense but that's what my notes say!)
• Stick It to the Bros actually accused someone of something, and brought up Just (formerly Virgin) Edward's discarding of an unopened Bud Lite on trail, so Just Edward drank. 
• Brigham Tongue, The Buttler Hit It, Bondage Barbie, I Eat Tea Bags, and Stops to Pet the P*ssy were crazy enough to hash both days of this sh*tty weekend (although I will say … what else are you supposed to do in such lousy weather???), so we drank an honor down-down
• C*mlocker drank because she hadn't done anything stupid. And she was a backslider along with Ski Bobbit and Wee Willy W*nker
• Dribbles and Just Edward were last up, and they drank for having a private party. And the same hairdo. I sincerely hope they were not talking about their hair during their private party!

Announcements: 

• Wednesday May 12th – Marching Tour 69th hash with Ski Bobbit. Or something like that.
• There's some event involving the Boston marathon in a couple of weeks. Apparently it involves hashing every day for a week. Sounds like fun. 

After circle we all attacked the piles of sandwiches. Apparently cold can make you hungry! Not long after we finished, Tw*t and Douche showed up to help us eat the leftover food.

Heard before and then after the hash:

• "She's Irish. She should be drenched in beer." – I Eat Tea Bags after spilling Guinness on Dribbles
• "We have to get high and look for Mommy" – Brigham Tongue (I was talking about elevation; she was wearing a bright jacket. Really …)
• "Where's the food?" – The Buttler Hit It (the food had been sitting out since we arrived at Cagney's)
• "Where's the food?" = e=I'm a Douche (there was less of it at this point. Perhaps it was hiding)
• "She's getting P*ssy." – Bend Over Mommy when asked where Bondage Barbie was. Ah, the difference a capital letter can make.

Sorry this was late, and I'll be missing a few due to sprained ankle and travel, but I'll see you all at the hash on Easter weekend!

- Brigham Tongue

Toga Hash

Hares: Spitz, Mexican Humping Queen
Bag Car: Just Amanda
RA: Shawsk*nk
Pre-lube: Beantown Pub, Boston
On-in: Good Bar, Boston
Weather: Gorgeous!! Sunny and mid-50s. Spring has sprung!

Pack: Brigham Tongue, The Buttler Hit It, Hoover McSuck'nF*ck, Sugar Plum Fairy, C*m Fly With Me, S*xtra Credit, Just Kara, Virgin Brad, Virgin Jeff, Shawsk*nk, Puff n' Stuff, Grease My Monkey's Nuts, Just Stan, Yellow D*ck Gnome, Lick Hole-a, Virgin Alicia, Virgin Kristen, Tw*t My Mom, Virgin Hayley, +2 Coonass, Virgin Melody, N*pples Erectus, Blows My Mind, Horse's *ss, Stick It To the Bros, Floppy D*ck, Bleeps, Sweeps, & Creeps, Jimmy Crack Wh*re, Nice T*ts, Better Late Than Pregnant, Just Kyle, Just Scott, Necrophiliac Jack, Just Lesley, Just Danielle, Virgin Rob, D*ck Jockey, Bondage Barbie, I Licked Butts, Goes Down On Buoys, Far From F*cking, Immaculate Er*ction, Taj My Hole, The 2nd C*mming, I Eat Tea Bags, Target Practice, Just Patrick

Late C*mmers: Time of the Munch, Peppermint P*ssy, An Inconvenient Poop, Vagetarian
Wangers: Bend Over Mommy, Willy Wonka and the Backdoor Factory, Jamaican Me C*m

I am sure I missed some people in the headcount, this was officially the biggest pack of the year so far and probably the biggest since the nice weather last fall when we kept ending at the Hong Kong.

So we started out front of Beantown Pub, and ran past BBAG's place where, for like the third time in a row, there wasn't a beer check, a song check, or any such thing. Trail then ran through the Boston Common up to a check back; the trail ran parallel to Beacon up to the next set of stairs, then up Joy Street, and down Mount Vernon to a check. Not surprisingly, we ran through Louisberg Square then back up the hill and around for a while. At a certain point a small contingent ran up the hill at a check, and yelled "On-on" while some others had found a check at the bottom of the hill. Either the first set of runners were nuts, or the pack managed to shortcut trail and find a check.

Not long after that we raced across Cambridge Street, up some stairs, past some shops and over to a beer check in the park near all the hospitals. For the first time in a long time, the pack wasn't freezing cold after five minutes so this beer check lasted a little while.

Upon heading out, we quickly found that trail went across Staniford and up some cool twisty steps to a song check at what appears to be a mental health hospital. In the hurry to find trail after, there was a t*t check at the bottom of the stairs after which pack got really, really lost … I finally found what I think was trail heading out essentially backwards from the t*t check, and around the corner, to what looked like a crossed-out mark through a parking garage. Tea Bags and I ran though there and found nothing, but ran far enough along that we finally found a check. Trail led into the North End from there, and around a little bit. At one point there was a CB4 or some such, so we marked the check and ran the only other direction we could – I was at the front of the pack with Bros and Tea Bags and we literally ran right past the beer check up to Christopher Columbus Park before doubling back and realized that the beer check was at the little park across from the Living Room. We stayed at the beer check long enough for Buttler to break a 40 he'd found on trail (apparently another sex toy), prompting a yell of "The Buttler Did It!." It was also at this beer check that An Inconvenient Poop deigned to join us, and I think I saw Peppermint and Vagetarian here for the first time as well.

Pack was away not long after the hares, after Nice T*ts saw people in apartments on the phone looking down at us. I was running with nearly a full cup of beer at this point, so luckily there was a song check by the Aquarium. After this I got a little lost with all the crazy cow path streets, but we did have an RIP song check outside the Hong Kong (oh, I have so many happy memories there…), and perhaps not incidentally when trying to find trail we ran right past a fire truck with a bunch of not-too-shabby-looking firefighters. Unfortunately this was an unnecessary detour because we'd gone the wrong way from the check and missed the on-in. And so it goes.

Into the basement of the bar we went; it was great because it had both strobe lights (which were turned off at some point), and a stripper pole. And some random guy, probably either from the press or the FBI, took a picture of us halfway through circle. If you're not afraid, maybe you should be ….

Comments on trail:

• It sucked
• Not enough song checks
• Not enough t*t checks
• Not enough t*ts
• Not enough pole dancing
• Not enough hot firemen
• Not enough beer
• Not enough marks
• Hashmanlike behavior

We had a ridiculous number of virgins. Luckily since none of our dementors were there, N*pples Erectus stepped up to the task of coming up with unique questions for all the virgins:

• No one made Virgin Kristen c*m, not even the internet! Tea Bags was more than happy to step forward as her sponsor. For whatever reason of her own, she would prefer to be with Tea Bags than with a mechanical device with batteries. Well, to each her own.
• Just Kyle made Virgin Brad c*m. Virgin Brad and Just Kyle are brothers, as is Just Scott. Happily, this is the first time either brother had made Virgin Kyle c*m.
• Tw*t My Mom made Virgin Melody c*m, but since Tw*t was sponsoring someone else, The 2nd Cumming stepped up to sponsor Melody. Melody would not get off on a bus full of lesbians.
• Tw*t My Mom made Virgin Hayley c*m. This one claimed she was good at math, and did in fact guess that the square root of 69 was slightly more than 8.
• Floppy D*ck made Virgin Alicia c*m. She didn't know if his d*ck was floppy or not, at which point Floppy apparently demonstrated, causing Virgin Alicia to exclaim "Thank God I was facing that way!" (away from the display)
• Shawsk*nk made Virgin Chris c*m. He had no idea what the strategically placed dollar bill was for.
• Shawsk*nk also made Virgin Jeff c*m, and since Shawsk*nk was otherwise occupied Buoys was called upon to be his sponsor. A stallion is his favorite barnyard animal (yes, a stallion, not a mare)
• Virgin Mike got picked up on the street by Just Cara, so I guess she made him c*m. There was another virgin with him who Just Cara picked up at the same time, but I didn't catch his name. Virgin Mike said that he would be the pitcher in a relationship between the two of them. Not everyone in circle agreed with Mike on this one!
• Virgin Rob's hand made him c*m. Not sure I understand that one. Apparently he had a real sponsor, and a hot chick no less, but he prefers his hand. Well, to each his own. He somewhat redeemed himself by saying that he would choose Just Danielle over Stick It to the Bros, and he would also choose GAP (who he apparently knows from somewhere – this guy gets around!) over Bros. To top this off, he would take both Just Danielle and GAP over having one at a time. Like I said, this guy gets around…

Accusations and other stuff that went down in circle:

• Puff `n Stuff, Jimmy Crack Wh*re, and Grease My Monkey's Nuts were visitors
• Then Puff `n Stuff kept talking and not giving proper respect to the RA, for which he was made to drink. And when one bald man drinks, all bald men drink. And when one swim coach drinks … well you get the idea. Nice T*ts serenaded this lot of unworthies with some song derived from "I Will Survive" that I forget everything about other than that it was cool
• Backsliders – S*xtra Credit, Far From F*cking, An Inconvenient Poop, D*ck Jockey, Peppermint P*ssy, Floppy D*ck, and Jamaican Me C*m. For some reason Time of the Munch wasn't in circle (or I didn't see him) but he's a big backslider too
• FRB – The 2nd Cumming. No one knew who the FBI was, so N*pples Erectus volunteered to drink. In another big surprise, no one knew who was DFL so the lovely pair that is Buttler and Tea Bags volunteered to drink for that.
• Dribbles and Just Hayley had on new shoes (booo!)
• Sweat test failures – Willy Wonka, Jamaican Me C*m, Peppermint P*ssy
• Just Stan was made to drink for announcing at a beer check that his racist behavior time had decreased since he started hashing
• Speaking of racists, S*xtra Credit had on racist attire and drank for it
• Lick Hole-a for going to Atlanta to defend her dissertation rather than hashing
• Just Patrick was accused of something
• I Eat Tea Bags, Goes Down on Buoys, and Peppermint P*ssy were all wearing the same shirt, which is the shirt that Stick It to the Bros wears on like every hash except for this one. But he had to drink anyway.

At this point all the female Justs were made to do a pole dance, with the winner getting called in for naming. Personally, I thought Just Amanda was the best – that woman knows her way around a stripper pole! But the general consensus was that Just Danielle had been the best. Unfortunately since this was just her second trail, no one knew anything about her and she was tossed back.

Just Patrick had hashed a few more times than that, so he was called in for naming. Names ranged from Whiskey D*ck to Little Bunny F*ck You to Undercover C*nt to the eventual winner – Yankee Pay Five Dollar More.

Announcements:

• Seacoast Green Dress Run, The Cove Lounge in Revere, Saturday, March 13th at 1pm HST.
• Something is going on at Da Pitts at some point. Check the web site or something.
• March moon hash will be on the 30th
• No one announced it, but register for marathon already.

Heard before and then after the hash:

• "I'm just waiting for my 30-rack." – Mexican Humping Queen to the bartender
• "I'm not that big." – Puff 'n Stuff

Next week is a big week with two St. Patty's day-themed hashes, BOTH of which are T accessible. And I'm haring one of them! Ok, enough self-congratulation for one night … Hopefully see a lot of you then!

Brigham Tongue