What: Hot Mess 3: The Whiskey Ball
When: Wednesday 8/13
Hares: Harlot Globe Fondler, An*l Disco, Pappy Van Tinkle
Bag car: +2 Coonass
Who else: 4 virgins, Krusty the Meat Miser, Blubber F*cker, Sketchy Ho, Can't Eat P*ssy, Mr. Bean, Bloody Slip Inside, Mangia My Vagina, Just Michael, Just Gail, Takes It in the Assberger, Bum F*cking Vagibond, Easy as 123, Gone GAYWOL, Blondie McF*cksalot, Orgasm Famine, Cum Ear, Udder Whore, Post Nasal Jizz, Twat My Mom, No Man on the Moon, Mudsl*t, Bend Over Mommy, Nymphobrainiac, CPA, Bring Out the Gimp, Drunk'N Drag'N, Spank Me May I Have Your Mother, Peeping Tom Pussy, Pubic Service Announcement, Luva Lamp, Stuff That Reich Now, Buttler, Bbags, Douche, Blowbot, 5-Inch Penalty, Wonka, Spunk
*cough**trailoftheyear**cough* - a certain very modest hare
Oh god, where do I even start.
Ok. Prelube was at the Alley bar, where the patrons were impressed by our fancy attire. Wiki made friends with some regulars who inquired whether his kilt was really a kilt. CPA made friends with a man who was quite enamored of her beautiful red dress. We drank beer (and fireball) and wrapped ourselves in trash bags. Once we were suitably lubed, we ventured out into the misty night.
Trail
Almost immediately, we ran into the "choose your own adventure" trail split. There were three options for each of the hares. I chose the Harlot trail, which got off to a great start when we saw a SN about 20 seconds after splitting away from the rest of the pack. However, try as we might, we could not actually locate the shots. There were about 20 hashers looking in the bushes in the middle of Boston.
At long last, we found the shots hiding behind a bench - hooray! - and opened the bag to find that it was nips of tequila (and not just any tequila - Sauza) - nooooo. ("Did anyone drink the tequila?" - Wiki) There was also ample glitter in the bag; at that point, we were relatively non-glittery, so we sprinkled ourselves, took the mostly-still-full bag of shots, and continued along.
We had been instructed to follow the color of chalk that pertained to our particular trail, which is how we ended up cruising through Faneuil Hall, scaring tourists (as per usual) and looking for our pink marks. "Running around Faneuil screaming about pink chalk was weird. Cause if it it was yellow fuck that noise" - Udder
Eventually, we rejoined our compatriots at the first beer check, where we were filled in on the other trails. The Disco trail was, shockingly, boozy - every check was a beer check. Pappy's trail was apparently not boozy but was scenic.
It started to rain again, so we took off from the beer check posthaste. Little did we know that we were embarking on a whiskey mile (defined, by Wiki anyway, as a mile with 4 shot checks). Fortunately, by that point it was raining hard enough to keep most of the muggles away from us as we drank mysterious booze from large bottles in the middle of downtown Boston.
By the time we arrived at the second beer check, we were wet (even moreso than usual) and drunk. Krusty opened the door of what he thought was bag car but was in fact a random muggle's car, startling the person in the driver's seat. The whole lipstick/copious eyeliner (not just on the lips and eyes) probably added to the confusion. "From behind me I just hear a bunch of yelling, "What the hell are you doing?!" "Augh! Sorry! Wrong car!" - Coonass
We drank some beer in the pouring rain, and at that point the slip n slide was brought out. There was, of course, glitter mixed in with the soapy water, which means that everyone was thoroughly covered in glitter by the end of the beer check - if not from the slip n slide, from getting hugs (and "special hugs") from other hashers present.
Now thoroughly toasted, we proceeded along the rest of trail. One of the most memorable moments for trail occurred at a tit check just outside a fire station - the firefighters who were hanging out inside the station were very amused by the flashing. Finally, we found ourselves at the on-in, Sissy K's, where we had the entire upstairs floor to ourselves for debauchery and general shenanigans.
Circle
I'll be honest - I remember very little of circle. Here are some snippets:
1) I have apparently lost all sense of what's socially appropriate, because I changed out of my wet shorts in the middle of the bar. AND I was so drunk that when I pulled down my shorts, my underwear came off with them. So to anyone I flashed... you're welcome.
2) We made the hares get on their knees when called into circle for trail, because why not? Disco, however, is too cool for school and decided to sit instead. When given shit for her choice, the following exchange took place: "My butt chooses to self identify as knees." "Disco, you're an asshole." "You mean kneehole."
3) Now down to 3 virgins, we successfully devirginized them. We asked some questions, I believe about barnyard animals.
4) The food was really tasty. There was pulled pork and quesadillas - maybe other food too, I honestly have no idea. And there was what seemed to be limitless beer - I don't think it ever stopped flowing.
5) After circle, we danced, and it was awesome. Most notably, it turns out that chanting "shirts off for the girls!" actually works - some muggle men were convinced to take their shirts off for us. I'll have to remember that trick. We stayed there for a while before finally trickling off to our respective homes (or the homes of others - I'm not here to judge). "I was dancing and literally looked around to notice that I was THE only one left upstairs" - Bloody Slip Inside
Final thoughts:
I was really hung over this morning. Like, first I laid in bed and was immobile for a while, then I took a second shower to wash off the stale beer smell (but not the glitter, because that shit's for life). There is a trail of glitter around my apartment, from which I deduced that I must have sat on the couch last night. I now understand why Senior Skip Day is a thing.
Awesome trail. Well done, hares.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- E4B is tonight, soon! Your week can get even boozier! So head up to Andover.
- NOVEMBER 8TH - some sparkly unicorn thing - it's this year's incarnation of the Pearl Necklace trail, and I'm already pumped, so get that shit on your calendars.
- There's other stuff coming up too. Check the calendar, you lazy fucks.
<3 <3 <3
shart of darkness
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