How did I end up doing all 3 trails?
This month Boston has seen so many trails that 3 in 1 weekend does not even seem odd. As the one hasher stupid enough to have been present for them all in their entirety I will attempt a hash trash trifecta. (shout out to Butler who was there for all but the first leg of ballbuster.) This somehow got incredibly long. Enjoy.
-Orgasm Famine
Hares: Necrophiliac Jack and LARP
Bag Car: Krusty
Pack: Vagibond, Just Emily, Black Cock Down, Easy as 123, Five inch Penalty, Butler, Swedish Eagle, Orgasm Famine
I arrived to trail properly late so as I dragged my hungover ass out to the park behind the assembly square shopping center I saw a small huddle of cold looking people drinking beermosas as they considered why they had come out to trail. We tried all sorts of interesting methods to stay warm as the hares took seemingly forever to leave. Among the methods were penguin huddling, interpretive dancing/ jumping around like the idiots we are, and screaming at the hares to be gay already. Once they left and we lost most of the feeling in our extremities we held a properly abbreviated chalk talk and it turned out it was a good thing we took so long to get going because 5 inch showed up just as we left.
Trail led off through the shopping center to a song? check in front of the lego giraffe before cutting across numerous parking lots to an intersection by a sketchy underpass. Due to some questionable checking by yours truly we got a bit lost before finding trail going over a bridge. There was a well laid false with a second mark leading across a busy street that had pack wandering around some more parking lots before we found trail going down a side street. Eventually we made it to the first beer check, which was in a park near the river. Not only Krusty and the Hares were waiting for us but we were also graced by the presence of Butler who had failed to make it in time for the start but was graciously picked up by bag car. We drank, celebrated the warmth running bestowed upon us, and slowly got cold again before continuing on to leg 2. Sweagle had earned the ball buster brick and Just Emily carried McGilicuddy. (murdered that spelling)
Trail led out across a baseball field, down the river for a little, up some train tracks, and under a fence. I was told there was a way to go around the fence but chose to roll/scooch under in the mulch. It turns out there actually was not another way through due to a gate being closed on the weekends? At some form of a check many of us ran up a hill because you know, trail always goes uphill. Except this time it didn’t. We ran back down and found trail going through yet more parking lots and eventually through to a field complex where many people were throwing a football around. As we gathered to serenade them they even somehow threw it near us and 5 inch kindly returned it. We ran by some more water and made it to the second beer check, which was by a playground in Charlestown. (I think. I rarely know where I am when off the green line) We drank more and discussed the general lack of good peeing locations in the area. Maybe other things happened but I was still a bit too hung-over to remember. 5 Inch took over the brick and Blacky got McGillicutty.
The 3rd leg of trail was definitely the shortest and in under a mile we found bag car yet again for beer in yet another park by the river. Speakers were brought out and there was a bit of dancing or maybe we just had to pee? When we departed with empty bladders, yet increasingly inebriated, we sped off over the long walking bridge that goes towards the science museum. Unfortunately soon after the bridge Just Emily stepped off a curb and sprained her ankle at which point we huddled up and tried to reach bag car but failed. Many chivalrous hashers offered their injured compatriot whoredor rides but all were gently declined. I walked Just Emily to Lechmere, left her with McGillikutty to keep her company, and ran off to try to find pack. Blacky left me a few extra pack marks to help me catch up and trail went across the bridge to Cambridge near the Science Museum, under said bridge, and down the river to the Gallaria. The shoppers were out in force so I was a bit of a disruption as I ran through in search of pack. After the mall there was a pack mark telling me which way not to go but it was not all that helpful in pointing out the actual direction. Fortunately not long after I saw bag car with a huddle of hashers around it. Apparently something happened to the muffler on trail? It fell off? Five inch had been sent out to search for me but I somehow missed him so we continued on when he returned. We found a true trail leading into a building and split Turkey Eagle up the Elevator or the Stairs to the roof of the complex. I ran after 5 inch who was counting stairs, something like 50? Our efforts were rewarded with a beautiful roof garden beer check. We drank, discussed ingesting airplanes, football fields, and maybe other things, and eventually left. 5 inch had the brick.
The last leg of trail was a bit of a death march from Kendal straight to Harvard. There was a hare snare outside Deadalus bar so we hung out with some Harvard kids while we waited almost the proper amount of time before continuing on. The closer we got to Harvard Square the more college kids sporting rather ugly maroon and white sweaters, hats, scarves, etc. we saw. This was due to some big football game that I guess people care about? Harvard Yale. We found the on-in mark in the middle of the little triangle park outside Grendel’s Den. After some discussion of where we could hold circle considering the mess of people out for the game we settled on a somewhat secluded courtyard. People drank for technology on trail, being late, getting injured, back-sliding, being ball-buster virgins and all sorts of other things. Trail #1 complete.
Trail #2 Sadie Hawkins
Kennel: Pink Taco
Hares: Mangia and CPA
Pack: Assorted harriets including many out of towners and their chosen and pinned dates.
I cannot possibly do justice to the glory that was the Sadie Hawkins event. Hashers were dressed as squares or drapes taking their costume instructions from the movie Cry Baby. We took over a corner of the Charlie’s Kitchen upstairs and likely confused the drunken Harvard kids cheering for the game around us. Do to the lack of space we got going remarkably quickly but not before the plastic glasses were handed out to all and decorated with sharpies. We went outside and Mangia explained to all the regulations and marks of the taco kennel. When pack left we meandered down towards the river and through some leaf piles. Yay fall! We sang about why Jesus can’t go hashing in front of a church, there was a Billie check where we consoled Butler about his bad day and generally told him he is still awesome. The beer check was in the park near the Charles that we drink in all the time. We drank beer, ate orange food, and eventually left on trail. I lost it a few times but in a remarkably short time arrived to the on-in at tasty burger. The wonderful taco hares had claimed the basement for us and we began distributing beer and pap-smears with abandon. If you are unfamiliar with the drink the pap-smear it is pbr and Smirnoff ice mixed together into a sugary concoction. Iggy took over as RA for circle and we celebrated our shitty hares. Accusations were made and anybody who had never had a pap-smear (of the pelvic exam variety) was called into circle. They were told to assume the position and with some help from gracious harrietts flopped down on their backs with their legs in the air and spread their knee’s. A few muggles happened to come down the stairs at that moment and could not turn around fast enough. The men in circle drank some pap-smear and were released. A new taco/Sadie tradition was explained in circle. Any male hasher who bag cars for the taco kennel is now to dress in drag to be entered into the running for Ms. Taco. The 2014 Ms. Taco Broke Back Baby was crowned in his heels and yellow dress. I feel like I am forgetting other memorable moments of circle but eventually we sang Taco religion. (Hot Vagina) Burgers, fries and onion rings were provided, the beer continued to flow and the festivities continued. Necrophiliac Jack set up a tripod and camera to capture the magical moments of the night for any and all who wanted to pose on the couch. Some pool was played, people danced, drank, and rejoiced. I hear there was an on-after and Sligo and eventually Discodome but sadly I was unequal to the task of continuing to party. 2 trails down.
Trail # 3. Boston Sunday.
Kennel: BH3
Hares: E=I’m a Douche and Pewee Pervin
Bag Car: Can’t Eat Pussy
Pack: Krusty, Piggy, Amazon, Stiffy, Virgin Alvin, Just Theo, No Man on the Moon, Mudslut, Butler, Orgasm Famine, Bloody Slip Inside, Lego, Just Tavish, more I am forgetting
For me this trail started as I sat on my couch watching the pats game and considering whether I would go to my third trail of the weekend. I asked the hares if they had planned a walking trail or a running trail and Douche assured me that a max of a 2 mile walk was in store for us. Being the admitted r*cist I am I decided to abandon my couch and run to trail. When I arrived (late) I saw the hares running away from the bar with bags of flour. A bit perplexed by this I entered Courtside and learned that due to pack wanting to run the hares were off to lay a running trail. Yippee?
At chalk talk there was some confusion over if trail was in chalk or flour. It turned out it was sporadically in both. Pack ran off and immediately hit a check back 3. I dutifully checked back and chose a new direction, which seemingly led to a check. I say seemingly because after running about a mile over a large bridge and following sporadic marks and checks and thinking maybe we were crossing ballbuster marks due to arrows pointing the wrong way…. Mudslut ran up to me and said she had run into Douche and we were somehow following trail backwards. In hind-sight considering the marks we saw this made sense. We ran the mile or so back to Courtside and started over. Perfect. At this point rather far behind the rest of pack (may their journey have been smoother than ours) our group sped off to catch up. There were side streets, falses, hills, and eventually we found another group of hashers contemplating a Turkey Eagle split. They had found Hare Club on trail so at least we were gaining more poor souls who mistakenly trusted Douche. As we ran off we returned to where we had been running trail backwards so we ran back over the big bridge for a third time and followed some true trail marks, a BBVC into a parking lot, and a trail of some sort to a Shot Check. Finally booze! The shots were mystery beverage and the bottles were covered in flour, which was absorbing condensation and creating doughy globs that stuck to everything. Yum. No Man on the Moon pointed out a tree she peed on some time in the past and there maybe were thorns involved in the story. Trail led off through parking lots, past confused looking security/parking attendants and into out into a grassy ridge where we found BN and then Beer!
We drank, I tried not to speak to, threaten, or commit bodily violence upon the hares. Eventually they were chased off since it was already beginning to get dark. When we followed we found a number of falses, the walkers caught us and somewhat at their prompting we set out across a long bridge. Pack climbed down a wall near Bunker Hill Community College and set out across parking lots and fields to some bleachers where we found Hares, Fireball, but as of yet no beer. When bag car arrived we drank and chased the hares off once again.
When pack followed we ran across a field, down a road, found dick and tit checks in rust colored chalk and a song check where we sang about a department store in Chicago to the delight of Stiffey our visitor from Chicago. After turning down a creepy side street that seemed to lead nowhere good I spied the hares walking further up and we set off in pursuit. They laid dick checks, joke checks, and song checks to slow us but ended up snared anyway. (I think it was the third snaring of the day?) Douche informed me we were close to the on-in which is how we learned we were in for an outdoor circle in the middle of November without advanced warning. Really it was a Douche trail so we should have known. We picked a spot to wait for bag car under many overpasses and near a family of cement mixers. Peewee Pervin climbed into one and someone found an unopened bottle of whisky somewhere. When bag car arrived we grabbed our stuff, beer, and pizza! When circle commenced we called in our shitty shitty hares who drank and sang us something. The virgin was called in and he answered the questions of our out of town dementress as none of the Boston ones were present. At one point he demonstrated sex with Peewee, Stiffy showed him how to do a down down and we grudgingly made him virgin no more. The visitors were called in and sang us a number of great songs I had never heard before but sadly no longer remember. FRB a FBI (Stiffey and I) drank for our sins. DFL was someone. Among others called into circle were the walkers, anyone who peed on trail, everyone who went to 3 trails this weekend, then 2 trails, then any trail (social). There were comments on trail, there were announcements (to follow). People started getting really cold. Some hashers drank more of the found whisky and eventually we all found our way out of the sketchy underpass and back to civilization. At least I did and I hope everyone else did too. 3 trails. Rage.
-Orgasm Famine
Announcements
E4B Tuesday the 25th 6:30 in Medford
BH3 next Sunday Easy to Please is haring “dirty thirty” details TBD
Ballbuster Turducken December 6th, noon, Public House Brookline.
Black Friday trail just over the border to NYC (ask someone else for details)
The guy from Chicago announced something in Chicago
Piggy announced NERD but I don’t remember when
Marathon next April
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