Monday, July 23, 2018

HongKongukah Hash Trash

Editors note: If you were in Boston, or hung out with the Boston Hash (and associated kennels) during the month of June, the calls of "HongKongukah" or "1S1D" will recall to your liver shudders of agony. Over the week plus of nightly rage a solid dozen scribes wrote their recollection and they were then compiled by Quarter Mile Queer and Do Me Decimal.

On - why is this rage unlike any others - On

HongKongukah (8S8D) Hash Trash, 2018
Written by Marbles, No Man, C&C&C&C&C&C....., Wiki, Formerly-Just-Katie-Now-Knuckles-Deep, Po-Po Peepshow, Blondie McFucksalot, O'Bone'R, Shits and Ladders, HURL SARONG, Formerly-Just-Tati-Now-Cuntcussion, Jello Wrecked’em, Clit Notes, Luva Lamp, Wrangler, Cum ear, The Buttler Hit It, 3 Ring Cervix, Glutenless Maximus, Spank Me May I Have Your Mother, Sketchy Ho, Black cock down, & Anal Disco

Compiled by Quarter Mile Queer and Do (Re) Me Decimal, the Mom (QMQ) and Dad (DMD) of 1S1D

Pride Saturday
During the Pride parade picnic, infused much gay-ge, inspired by Wrangler’s biceps, we decided to start 7S7D a day early.  Packing up our blankets post-parage, some of the group played pool with Massage a Trois’ brother, while others headed to Hong Kong to begin the first night of HongKongukah.

Jello crashed after John Dalys, but once at Hong Kong, O’Bone’R managed to get Django in the bar, where The Best Boy took his photo with the birthday cupcake while Blondie, No Man, and Mudslut had a scorpion bowl race.  Then the corgi of epic proportions was wrongfully evicted because too many of his friends were present. Still, Django managed to not get kicked out for a longer period than Mudslut. 

The harriette formerly known as Just Tati, now known to all as Cuntcussion, managed to lose her voice and her phone after applying makeup to Seagle and Wrangler.

At some point, a group attempted to go see drag queens at Sinclair’s, but were met with a line of epic proportions.  They bravely forged ahead to Border Cafe, where, unlike Django the Good Boy, Helix bit people. 

Much drinking, poor decisions, and surprisingly low bar tabs were acquired while Pride was had by all except 3 Ring Cervix, who was too sick to attend.  

Sunday Sunday Sunday

Many people do not remember this day.  Others were too high, sick, or both to have either a song or a drink.  But rage was had.  Gentle rage, gentle rage.  

The official start of 7S7D began with a too-sick-to-work Do Me making Blondie’s dream of Hong Kong Bingo cards come true, with input from QMQ, Gnome, and the 69s69d phone.  In honor of Mudslut and Django, “Don’t get kicked out,” was put on every card. Inspired by another chance at food poisoning and hangovers, Do Me pulled their dad bod off of the couch, printed up 50 Bingo cards, and headed to Hong Kong.

The owner and a bartender were excited to see the “running club” had returned and would be back for seven more straight nights.  And there was much rejoicing. 

Sketchy wore a delightful green dress and went square-to-square with Spank Me for Bingo supremacy.  

Cum Ear may not remember because ReasonsTM, but she was present while Buttler managed to sing 1 song and drink 1 drink in his own efforts to be the first person to Bingo.  

Since the owner had given the hash seats at the karaoke stage, we were able to witness a muggle celebrating her 21st birthday by failing to drink the HK birthday shot.  (More about this drink later, featuring Udder Whore.)  Basically, the kid couldn’t swallow.

A group of strippers sang and danced to Cardi B's “Bodak Yellow.”  None of the male hashers were familiar with the song, but it didn't matter because: DAT ASS.  QMQ valiantly attempted to follow the unfollowable act.  All praise to QMQ, but there really wasn’t much to accomplish after that performance, and the group disbanded for the evening.

(I Don’t Like) MONDAY(s)
Trial by gravity determined if you have an "open Hong Kong" on your Bingkongukah card, you had to show up when the bar opens, not when karaoke starts.  There was a r*ce to be the first few people into the Hong Kong.

Sketchy started the night by getting a table (#BingoSquare) at 17:32.  Jello and Blondie managed to both 1S1D. While Jello stuck to “Under the Sea,” Blondie sang an excellent rendition of "Psycho Killer," dedicated to Lovecat, changing the lyrics to: “Psycho Kitty, qu'est que c'est, meow meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow!"  Then Blondie and Jello went to hot yoga.

C&C&C&C&C&C...received a button from QMQ.  O’Bone’R turned around bright eyes by singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” which may or may not have also been sung on this evening by Shits and Ladders, Chunderellie, and Cuntcussion.  3 Ring found free parking, and decided to keep up the good luck by trying for blackout bingo over the course of the week.

QMQ was given the Bingo cards at 21:22. Buttler got what may have been the first Bingo at 22:41 and chose the prize "blackout the card" over the prize "get a new card."

Shits spent 26 dollars and blacked out after asking, "Do shots count as 'drink something that's not beer or a scorpion bowl?'" After receiving an affirmative reply, and downing the shots, he sang something by the Talking Heads.  Do Me allegedly attempted to derail Spank Me’s goal of singing 1 song and drinking 1 drink by signing him up for another song, but this is mere speculation.  

Free food began, a token of affection from the bar that would continue through the rest of the week, truly a miracle indeed.

Wrangler raged too close to the sun.  

(Got the club goin’ up on a) TUESDAY
Anal Disco claims this was the best night of the week.  The rage was strong, the rage was long, and there was much singing on this day.  Gnome is to blame for this excellence, though she claimed she was Not In Charge.

Hong Kong was determined to be Game of Thrones and some hashers (probably r*cists), started to get competitive again about the Bingo cards.  Gnome and Do Me kept reminding the group that, "YOU REALIZE YOU WIN NOTHING?!", a statement which probably has a lot to do with what they’ve learned by pursuing the highest of educations, but we won’t pile disappointment higher and deeper any longer than necessary.  Undeterred, the competitive Bingo-ers kept instantly responding, "We don't care, we want to challenge ourselves to do silly things anyway, for pride." (For PRIDE, get it?)
Three early ragers competed for First to Be At the Bar: Blondie, Spank Me, and Wrangler.  Spank Me “won” by opening Hong Kong at 16:04.  This may explain why the bartender remembered his name and looked vaguely surprised in their photo together.  Admittedly, the square “Opening the Hong Kong” was a rare Pokemon, with only three hashers completing the feat of “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.”

Wrangler arrived at 16:32, shortly after Spank Me left, did the first karaoke song of the night after instructing the manager in the ways of starting a karaoke machine, did a drink, and left, all while providing video evidence.  Blondie arrived at 17:27, also photographed with the bartender, had 1D2S (including the Monster Mash), received her Bingo card, then left to get blackout drunk at Harvard, albeit not in the Hong Kong.  A free pitcher was provided to Blondie, presumably for these valiant efforts.

Jello came early and sang “Fuck Her Softly.”  Luva did an interpretive dance while C&C&C&C&C&C..... sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Wiki forgot which Kong he was at and played trivia with the hostess. He learned that they do not have the following songs: Don't Worry About the Government, Ride Captain Ride, Mr. Mistoffelees, and Rock and Roll.

Cuntcussion cancelled a date to attend, which may have contributed to her team winning a scorpion bowl race against 3 Inch’s team.  We’ll never know, in part because both team leaders reported heading downhill quickly following this competition, though 3 Inch helped 5 Inch find free parking before crashing.

Mangia, her mom, Señor, and CPA showed up. Lots of tearful goodbyes were had.

Sketchy showed up in a homemade Bingo shirt!  Glutenless arrived post-shiva in civilian clothes and ended up with a hash necklace from someone he’d never met (but is actually CPA).  He sang Sweet Caroline with Buttler. Also World's Most Average Kirkland came with his actual Harvard Med School diploma in hand!

QMQ stuck a "meat" stick into a beer and drank it, and said it was just awful.  HVD gave neck massages.

There was a three-way make out on the dance floor.  In HVD's words, "Quarter Mile says if anyone had an actual threesome in the bar, it's an automatic super bingo."  The gingers subsequently took control of Bingo r*les.  However, a very exhausted Do Me was still asked a ruling: “If a muggle sings Purple Rain, but we dozen hashers YELL out ‘Gentle Rage’ at the appropriate time, does that count?"   Trial by gravity (water bottle) establishes this is a yes, though Do Me was never quite sure what they were counting. It is also established that, in this ragefest, “a day”=“until closing that night,” which is technically 02:00 the following morning.

Cuntcussion left her debit card at Hong Kong.  Unclear whether she had the "leave your shit at Hong Kong" square.  Everyone else just left their dignity somewhere near the karaoke bear.  Rage.


Following what Clit Notes called “the most successful whisper circle ever,” after Wrangler made new friends and Dribbles was misplaced in the restrooms on the way to Hong Kong, the hash invaded the bar and it immediately the hash had invaded the bar.  Crowded...lots of sweaty people...more drinking...more PoPo’s words: the best cure for jet lag ever!

Some folks who didn't do trail did songs instead.  For insance, O’Bone’R skipped trail and was the first one there, where she kindly got a table for the group (or for her Bingo card, same difference).  Jello came later, then sang “Don’t Stop Believing” for Blondie’s Bingo square. As reward, Blondie tried to put a dollar bill in Jello’s mouth multiple times.  It is unclear whether Blondie succeeded in this task, but according to Wrangler, Blondie crushed Cyndi Lauper. 

Shits had one drink, sung Total Eclipse of the Heart for the third day in a row (he's been banned from running jukeboxes for less) and left.  In a similar Low Rage effort, 3 Ring again found free parking, then drank just 1 drink before retiring for the night.  Truly a gentle rage miracle.  

In contrast, Udder drank the type of Birthday Shot that Sunday's muggle failed to finish, Spank Me forgot what day it was, and Cuntcussion ended up in Sweagle's and Luva's clothes because bingo card.

Cuntcussion, Sweagle, Kirkland, and Do Me shut down Hong Kong.  The staff turned on the lights and everyone sang "Closing Time."  It was a good decision.  Leaving earlier for 8am meetings was also established as a reasonable activity.  Rage.

THURSDAY(’s Child)
Morale was low.  This may be because it was Señor's last 1S1D, or perhaps because Marbles was “ouching,” compounded by Helix trying to fight a bouncer (DON’T DO THAT).  Jello was sick from meat sticks, Clit Notes had the first stages of hash plague, and Cum Ear couldn’t function. 

Some hashers were still alive and singing, though.  Sketchy’s days had begun running together, but she still managed to attend.  Blondie belted out a song and had a virgin drink, then went to a work event and scouted ballbuster with Wiki.  

Meanwhile, across the river, Shits had dinner at Harvard Square Hong Kong and visitor Hurl Sarong arrived and promptly WRONG KONGED.  

Spank Me and Cuntcussion challenged Hurl and Helix to a scorpion bowl race. Hurl killed probably 90% of his winning bowl.  Cuntcussion had to resort to writing on a notepad after losing her voice.  Cuntcussion again lost her phone on the way home.  The official tally isn’t ready, but Cuntcussion may have lost more things than Quarter Mile, which is...admirable?

3 Ring got free parking for the third (?!) time, learned about HK points, then tried (and failed) to get them for previous nights.

QMQ decided we need to replace the sombrero.  This was after he attempted to take off makeup using Fireball.  Gnome drank beer from a pitcher using a straw.  Do Me drank 1 song, sang 1 drink, then went for Long Sleep.  Disco learned that eating 5 whole meat sticks is actually kind of a challenge.

The hash drank some, raged all blurs together...I don't even know what day it is anymore.  Throw me tomorrow, oh oh.

(It’s) FRIDAY (I’m in love)
ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET?  We hope so, because Marbles was crying, both Jello and Luva have no idea what happened, Cum Ear rage napped, and there were nightmare-worth credit card bills reported by multiple attendees.  Blackie spent seven hours in Hong Kong.  Holy fuck, Blackie.

But in case you forgot: it was Wrangler’s birthday!  There was glorious rage, People’s Republik rage, muggle rage, co-worker rage, rageragerageragerage.  Wrangler was presented with an ultrasound and a card by Do Me, officially making him in charge of 1s1d with QMQ.  Congratulations, Wrangler: you’re the father!

Cuntcussion and Hurl Sarong opened Hong Kong to recover Cuntcussion’s debit card (and complete Bingo squares).  Then they headed to Harvard Hong Kong, where they tied their onesie tails together while explaining the term cis-gender to a bouncer who rewarded them, Spank Me, and Do Me with a rendition of “Don’t Stop Believing” in exchange for his own Bingo card.  Then the hash quartet headed to People’s Republik for Wrangler’s birthday.

Meanwhile, at Hongkongukah: so much rage. So many people. Gnome put out the call around 5:30 that she was alone at the Kong.  PoPo and four other strangely civilized folks showed for pre-dinner shenanigans.  Blackie got his shit together and made it over post-haste.  Turns out Gnome lied (or the truth changed), and Blackie found not only her, but Blondie already on stage singing, with Marbles and +2 also present and in line for songs. Then...a wild Krusty appeared! Two nights in one week. What the fuck did we do to deserve this?!  Turns out the five of them were going to a concert, and left not long after Blackie arrived. Poor Blackie. But before they left: Vagetarian! And as they left, Jack arrived from TBG (where was the invite, Jack?). Then Vag left. Clitz and Chipz also made a brief appearance with her sign for the cupcake.

Jack pulled a knife on some poor, unsuspecting balloons while Blackie made vague threats with his shiny new Hongkongukah pin.  The balloons were let go with a warning.

PSA and friends showed up from day drinking in Charlestown, and Jack Irish-goodbyed, but there were still two hashers holding the place down. 3 Ring again acquired free parking & snagged a corner table for the bingo card/the group, drank two drinks, and ate meatsticks.  Sketchy showed up with impromptu hab, including an iron for DIY HongKongukah shirts, and Kong employees took photos.

Eventually, there was a very long line into Hong Kong that HVD somehow managed to slowly navigate hashers through using Ginger SkillzTM.  Members of the communist contingent celebrating Wrangler’s parents fucking some years back waited in line while Blackie taunted O’Boner with C&C’s sign.  

Once inside, Birthday Bottom Wrangler provided an amazing performance of “At the Gay Bar.”  A muggle complimented Buttler on his rapping skills.  Shits fuckin raged.

O'Bone'R, Spank Me, and a variety of others closed down Hong Kong.  All of the rage was had. Discodome was opened.  Many people reported going to bed around dawn.  Lyrics and ukulele chords to Gentle Rage were provided to 69s69d Phone.  Krusty did not make a recording for his Facebook friends.  Raaaaaaaage.

SATURDAY (in the Park)
We survived!  Well, all but Marbles, who committed seppuku, and QMQ, who we tried to kill with fireball.

The day started early and way out of town with a shitty Magical Beasts trail laid by a reasonably-hungover Harry Potter (Hurl Sarong) and a too-hungover-to-hare Luna Lovegood (Do Me Decimal), with bag car by Just Joe Romeo.  Pack was Sweagle, Luva Lamp, and Cuntcussion. Autohasher was Spank Me.  Cuntcussion and Sweagle were not doing well from the Discodome rage on Friday; in fact, Cuntcussion was promptly lost on trail (sans phone, which was lost to the Rage) before Beer Check #1. Luva and Sweagle finally found her passed out, overheated, in the shade. Spunk in the Trunk and a visitor joined pack at Beer Check #2. Pack booked it to HK, eager to get out of the sun. Cum Ear and Motherload joined us and a short circle was had, interspersed with karaoke. We sang an alternate version of Summer Nights, as well as Whip it out at the Ball Game, then left on a boozy walking trail to Spank Me's house. Beer and Cornish pasties were had, then we all showered with a traffic cone. No records broken, but it was a great time. Some hashers left and others took naps.  

Most of the daytime pack was too drunk to make it back to the final night, but Luva rallied and returned to Hong Kong, where he and 3 Ring Cervix had the bold plan to close on the last Saturday. They consumed two Redbulls and fortified their minds.

There were more songs. More drinks. More free food. More jalapeño poppers. Lenovo. Got low.  O’Bone’R slayed “Killing Me Softly.”

Wiki signed up for a Phish song. The “kareoke” machine broke. There was no causation.  Once Buttler and Wiki left, the karaoke machine was magically fixed.  There was no correlation.

3 Ring tipped the host so that we could sing, beneath very bright lights, the last song of the night: “Gentle Rage.”

Buttler said, “This isn’t enough,” and came back for 9S9D.

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