Boner Birthday Trail

June 29, 2022 Trail
Boner Birthday Trail

Hares: O'Boner, Quarter Mile Queer
Bag car: Fischstick
Pack: Beeeestiality B4 Boys, Blondie McF*cksalot, Bloody Nips Graveyard Chicks, Blue Balls Matter, Bum F*cking Vagabond, Chunderelli Chunderelli, Cookies for Nookie, Cums Like Clockwork, C*ntcussion, Dr. Blow, Dribbles, Edward Sissyhands, Extra Terresticle, Fellowship of the Cockring, Full Frontal Fireball, Goat Throat, Just Jan, Luva Lamp, Mudslut, No Man on the Moon, Orgasm Famine, Sex the Final Frontier, Shits and Ladders, Slothy Seconds, Snatchchat, Spank Me May I Have My Mother, Spunk in the Trunk, Strap On Strap Off, Swedish Eagle, Testicular Mechanics, The Buttler Hit It, Topless Barbie, Triceratopped, Virgin Kat, Virgin Kendra, Wikipedophilia

Pre-lube: Beantown Pub
Drink check: Public Garden at Charles and Beacon
Beer check: Cardinal Cushing Memorial Park
On-in: Paul Revere Park

Happy redacted birthday O'Boner! Or I think it was her birthday. The trail announcement said she regretted signing up for this on her actual birthday, does that mean the day she signed up for the trail it was her birthday, or she signed up to hare a trail that was scheduled for her birthday? Who knows, we're half minds. But at least there was cake.

Trail was short. Aside from Beeees getting yelled at by the cocks locks operator, there wasn't much to note. Prior to circle, several sprinklers turned on while we were standing around on the grass, so a few hashers got wet. And O'Boner made a cake that was shaped like a corgi. And there were some readings from a sex rubric written back in 2019 that apparently uses the word seamlessly a lot. Otherwise not much more to note, so onto the circle!

As for trail comments, I have bag car got lost, we have lube, we got wet, not enough corgis, never too many corgis, I can't hear you, you're too loud, and cake cake cake. The FRB (Spank Me), FBIs (Vagabond and Blue Balls), and DFLs (Buttler and Chunderelli) all drank. O'Boner and Goat drank for their birthdays. Our visitor, Bloody Nips from Richmond H3 drank; he "came because she was good." We also had two virgins: Virgin Kat (Snatchchat) and Virgin Kendra (Blue Balls). Kat would have her boss lay her and neither knew the square root of 69. They were not worthy, but we took them anyway.

As for accusations, Snatchchat got accused of leaving behind a lamp, three pairs of shoes, and something else at NURD. Then Spunk emptied a bag of Quarter Mile's stuff all over the ground (it was kinda like watching a spurned lover toss her ex's clothes out an apartment window), so he drank too. Blue Balls accused Fellowship of getting hit by a squirrel, which she reenacted. Then she was accused of something that Vagabond made her do, which was not reenacted. Snatchchat accused everyone who got wet on trail, then clarified that getting hit by the sprinklers did not count as being "on trail."

Continuing on, Slothy accused C*ntcussion of having "a perfect female form." Barbie and Blondie were accused of arriving late/sweat test failure/racist attire. Cookies and Slothy were accused of going swimming before trail. Beeees was accused of attempting to cross the locks while they were open, and getting yelled at over the speaker for it. Mudslut and Blue Balls were accused of running into each other or something like that--don't remember if it was reenacted. Fischstick for being bag car. Fireball for not following the rule of singing the Canal St. song when at a song check on Canal St. (When did the hash start having rules?) And that just about covers it.

There were many announcements. Pay Fireball $5 hash cash, Harbor Islands campout this weekend, Prelube trail on Saturday, Beantown trail on Monday at 7 p.m. from the Hyatt on Memorial Drive, fireworks watching Monday night, Indepanties next Wednesday (hared by Sweagle and maybe 2nd?), Burlington H3 Invihash July 17ish, Pink Taco trail happening, and a Sweagle Ball Buster in August where "you'll get really really really wet."

That's all I got. Enjoy your holiday weekends.

-ET

Revere Beach: 80s Hawaiian Space Pirates on Drugs

June 22, 2022 Trail
Revere Beach: 80s Hawaiian Space Pirates on Drugs

Hares: Shits and Ladders, Testicular Mechanics
Bag car: Slothy Seconds
Pack: Beeeestiality B4 Boys, Blue Balls Matter, Dr. Blow, Dribbles, Edward Sissyhands, Extra Terresticle, Fellowship of the Cockring, Fischstick, Frosty the F*ckman, Full Frontal Fireball, Holy Dumpster Fire, Just Jan, Luva Lamp, Mudslut, Po-po Peepshow, Sex the Final Frontier, Strap On Strap Off, The Buttler Hit It, Topless Barbie

Pre-lube: Bill Ash's Lounge
Beer check 1: Suffolk Downs Parking Lot
Beer check 2: Behind a CVS on Saratoga St.
On-in: Constitution Beach

Still don't know the origins of this trail theme. Maybe it's a portmanteau of phrases on some Cards Against Humanity cards? Either way, people came prepared. Lots of leis, lots of hula skirts, lots of pirate eye patches, lots of Millennials, and lots of small flour bags made to look like drugs. We were warned about a harrowing eagle trail option that we should definitely not have done, except when I read the description in the announcement, my reaction was something along the lines of "well now I HAVE to do the eagle trail." It was somewhat memorable, and you can read about it in the circle write up below.

Comments on trail included nice eagle trail, no horses at the racetrack, dead raccoon, where are we?, how did I get here?, good trail, and shitty trail. The FRB (Sex), FBI (Beeees), and DFL (Buttler) drank. Then Shits and Slothy drank for having birthdays earlier in the week on the same day. It was dark, but I think they were also the tallest hasher/shortest hasher, and if Buoys were there, he'd have made them do a special down-down for that. Frosty drank for playing with balls, bats, and little children (sweat test failure) and Fischstick drank for backsliding (he was at the Bar--Bar Harbor that is).

As for accusations, Shits was accused of laying a trail from where his own virgin trail started. Frosty was accused of getting engaged. And Dr. Blow drank for lost shit on SNDT. Next was Shits for losing his phone in the shiggy. As for that eagle trail, four of us attempted it, and partway through going down the hill of thorns, we encountered our hare looking everywhere for his phone. Sex made a few attempts to call it and eventually spotted the screen light up. Phone safe, phew. Hare snared, yay! Pack wins the hash!

Strap On was accused of pointing, the RA was accused of astronomy failure (past the solstice--days are getting shorter), Sex was accused of going on the Suffolk Downs racetrack (or what's left of it), and Buttler and Sissyhands for coming late to trail. Mudslut drank for looking like Popeye, then Blue Balls drank for "tearing herself a new asshole" (she split her pants). There also was a story of Blue Balls confusing a muggle who was carrying groceries and trying to board a bus, which we summed up to "accused for scouting like a fiend."

Not much by way of announcements, just Luva and his Harbor Islands campout. That is all.
-ET

Swedish Midsommar v6.0

June 15, 2022 Trail
Swedish Midsommar v6.0

Hare: Swedish Eagle
Bag Car: Blondie McF*cksalot
Pack: Beeeestiality B4 Boys, Blues Balls Matter, Bum F*cking Vagabond, Chunderelli Chunderelli, Clit Notes, C*ntcussion, Dr. Blow, Dribbles, Edward Sissyhands, Extra Terresticle, Fellowship of the Cockring, Full Frontal Fireball, Glutenless Maximus, Holy Dumpster Fire, Jersey Lunchbox, Kneels for Ginger Jizz, Marbleous Asshole, Moaning Lisa, Mudslut, Necrophiliac Jack, No Man on the Moon, Orgasm Famine, Po-po Peepshow, Quarter Mile Queer, Sex the Final Frontier, Shits and Ladders, Slothy Seconds, Snatchchat, Spunk in the Trunk, Testicular Mechanics, The Buttler Hit It, Virgin Mimi, Wikipedophilia

Pre-lube: Warren Tavern
Shot check: Little Mystic Boat Ramp
Beer check: Charlestown Naval Shipyard Park
Aquavit check: Nashua Street Park
On-in: Courtyard behind Whittier Place Condos

Another trip around the sun, another Midsommar trail brought to us by Sweagle. A large pack assembled for this annual trail featuring cinnamon buns, pickled herring, and aquavit. Some may have also come to see how Sweagle would follow up last year's spectacle that concluded with a circle around a metal flag pole in a lightning storm and a hare with a gash that would ultimately require 14 stitches.

Ultimately, this year's iteration had a lot less shiggy, a lot more Naval vessels, and about an equal level of inebriation. Comments on trail included more poles, fewer poles, more shiggy, too much shiggy, too long, too short, and bork bork bork. There was no pole at the on-in to do the traditional frog jump dance thing around, so someone stacked a few empty boxes on top of each other. It was good enough. Apparently there was a wine tasting going on at the intended on-in, so the hare pivoted to this random courtyard in Boston's West End neighborhood. It ended up working out quite well for us.

Circle started with the usual--FRB (Marbles), FBI (Blue Balls), and DFL (Spunk); then backsliders (many); and a devirginization. Virgin Mimi, brought to the hash by Snatchchat, hates questions, lives in Quincy, and likes her poles thick and tall. She wasn't worthy but we took her anyway.

Jersey Lunchbox and Glutenless Maximus drank for visiting from Northboro. Hashers who rode a bicycle to the Hong Kong earlier in the day and left it there so it was available to take home later in the night drank for being too smart. Hashers who went over or under a fence drank. Jersey Lunchbox was accused of throwing a stone, I guess, I don't really know. Quarter Mile drank for Butt Pug having sex in circle with another dog, and Po-po joined him.

At some point, a curious local came by to find out what we were up to. People were saying he was security, but from across the circle, I thought he looked like someone who calls into sports talk radio shows ("Joey from Bahhhston, you're on 98.5 the spohhts hub."). Have you ever seen a security person wearing a ballcap, oversized polo shirt, and shorts? Didn't think so. Spunk flirted with him, then he left. Then she drank for letting him leave without getting his number.

Circle started winding down, but not before Glutenless and Slothy Seconds drank for alcohol abuse, Quarter Mile drank for consuming a Gu packet before trail, and the RAs drank for their tag team act (I think all four took a turn leading circle). Testicular was accused of stretching in preparation for a hash sitapede, and he was joined in circle by Mudslut. The two did an interpretive dance (mating ritual?) that I think they were trying to turn into the next Tik Tok challenge. I don't think it's going to catch on though. Testicular then accused everyone who didn't wear a tutu (social!), and Blondie accused everyone who attended a recent SNDT.

As for the announcements, Shortest Night Dumbest Trail is Friday night, Moon is Saturday night, Hong Kong is every night, and KNURD is in one week. That's all, see you next year for Midsommar v6.9 (7.0).

-ET

CARRY YOUR SHIT TRAIL

Hash Recycling (a knock-off hash trash since I have no vested power to write that)
6/8/22 CARRY YOUR SHIT TRAIL

Hares: Blondie McF*cksALot and Chunderellie Chunderellie
Virgins: none*
Visitor: Salt Lick
Pack: Beeeestiality Before Boys, Blue Balls Matter, Cookies for Nookie, C*ntcussion, C*ms Like Clockwork, Dr. Blow, Dribbles, Fellowship of the Cockring, Frosty the F*ckman, Full Frontal Fireball, GagZZ, Holy Dumpster Fire, Just Colin, Just David, Marbellous Asshole, Mudslut, No Man on the Moon, O’Boner, Popo Peepshow, Quarter Mile Queer, Sex the Final Frontier, Shits and Ladders, Sketchy Ho, Slothy Seconds, Snatchchat, Strap On Strap Off, Testicular Mechanics, Wikipedophilia

This trail was a cluster from before it began. The trail announcement kicked off the mess: the theme of the trail was apparently “we can’t have a bag car because there might be a Celtics parade,” which almost made sense if you didn’t know that Wednesday was only game 3. The hot-messiness portended by the announcement was more than fulfilled by the trail start. The alleged start was Trillium in the Seaport, which was v crowded. Trail start got moved… somewhere? A group of people migrated to Cisco Brewers for prelube part 2, which had marks leading up to it but also a giant “nah” written in chalk. Did the hares mean for people to go there? Who knows. After the light mumblings about mutinying were quelled, the subpack hoofed it over to the (start? first beer check?), where a surprising number of hashers were waiting. How did all of these people know where to go?! A quick chalk talk and pack was on-out at like 7:45. Perhaps the hares were on Hash Daylight Time instead of Hash Standard Time.

Trail took us over what Edward Sissyhands referred to as “Birdshit Bridge,” leading to a wine check/checkback 69. Members of the pack provided the following definitions for “birding” (used in a sentence, “I birded this guy last weekend”):

• chewing food and spitting it into his mouth/transferring a drink from your mouth to his (AKA baby birding)
• giving him a blowjob and transferring his jizz to his mouth (no fewer than 3 people noted that this is called snowballing. Do you people sit around reading Urban Dictionary?)
• having sex and then flying away
• approaching him and flapping your arms aggressively
• shitting on his head (this is still making me laugh)
• watching him silently from a distance for a really long time (my personal favorite response)

If Marbellous Asshole’s counting is to be believed, the pack followed the 67 marks back to the (start? first beer check?) for a nice beer check by the water. The last leg of trail took us by the Gillette Shaving Headquarters (a good place to get rid of unwanted hares!) and ended at the top of the hill at Thomas Park.

Circle temporarily disbanded as distractible hashers tried to peep some fireworks, which were speculated to be a celebration for the Celtics winning (the game had barely started at this point but tracking the timing of the NBA finals is clearly not this group’s forte). Accusations revealed that the hares managed to lose a virgin before trail even started (RIP Snatchchat’s virgin). Shits and Ladders accused Wikipedophilia of marking a check in both directions. Wiki counter-accused Shits of thinking that Wiki was carrying chalk. Frosty the F*ckman recently got engaged (mazel)! Our visitor, Salt Lick, whose Long Island accent was so thicc that Kim Kardashian asked where it got its butt injections, abused alcohol. Just Colin revealed himself to be a Freemason, highlighting his experience in organizations that frequently deny being a cult.

On-after was at Whitey’s. The Celtics won! There was no parade.

On – never drinking margaritas during prelube again – on,
Slothy Seconds