Bag Car: Accidentally An*l
RA: Bend Over Mommy
Pre-lube: Hogan's Run, Brighton
On-in: Jack's Sister's Place, Cambridge (NOT Whitney's Café!)
Weather: Cloudy, mid-40s, and windy
Pack: High An*s, Virgin Danielle, Tongue Me Please, Brigham Tongue, Luck Hole-ah, +2 Coon*ss, The Buttler Hit It, Mexican Humping Queen, Just Carol, Just Stan, Virgin Cassandra, Virgin Paul, e=I'm a Douche, Tw*t My Mom, Just Patrick, Bend Over Mommy, Rocky Mountain Wh*re, Stick It To the Bros, Mooseknuckles, Sugar Plum Fairy
Jack, as we'll hear later, had a birthday the day before this hash. What on earth possessed him to sign up to hare the day after his birthday is beyond me but anyway about 3:10 the hares sauntered in, and were away shortly thereafter. On a side note, my first experience with Bud Light Wheat was pretty positive. The orange was a nice touch.
We had three virgins, who listened very carefully during chalk (well, flour) talk. Then, we were off to find trail, which craniumed towards the river with a check on the corner of Western Ave and Market Street. Way to slow the pack down! Buttler nearly got himself killed by running in front of a car that was turning right on a green arrow but luckily for all involved (and spectating), the car stopped in time.
We ran over the Charles on Arsenal, then along Greenough Boulevard until a check by the Grove Street hill. After following all the false trails someone decided to bite the bullet and run up the hill, whereupon we found trail, which ran along the road for a while before going past a parking area and up a hill through some shiggy, then back down the hill. Back on Grove Street, we continued for a few blocks before running through a parking area towards some Soviet-era looking building with four very large, very yellow smokestacks and onto some abandoned train tracks. We ran about a block before emerging onto a road, with a check. By the time I got there people had gone both directions along the road, but no one thought to run straight along the abandoned tracks except for High An*s, who I followed. At the very least, it was scenic – it also happened to be true trail, and, better yet, BN!
The beer check was underneath a bridge (the road above turned out to be Mount Auburn Street). At this beer check, we learned that Virgin Paul, who is going to university in New Hampshire was down visiting for the weekend and he had just had his birthday on Friday, adding to the already large list of hash birthdays for the weekend. Since he looked like he was about 18, the next logical question was how old he was, to which he replied 21. Hashing in this close proximity to his 21st makes him officially THE YOUNGEST HASHER EVER.
Moving on… after the beer check we had to climb up a concrete wall that was probably 5 feet tall (but there were enough steel beams to help us up). We proceeded across Mount Auburn and through the neighborhood, emerging on Huron by Fresh Pond but instead of heading towards Alewife we turned back in through the posh neighborhoods, eventually emerging onto Fresh Pond Parkway and running towards the river again. Someone had suggested that we might be ending in Harvard Square, so when trail proceeded down Brattle this seemed like the logical conclusion. Happily, the hares cut off what would have been a long deathmarch by leading us down to Mount Auburn and placing a song check by the hospital. Now what else would we sing at a song check by a hospital but "My Girl's a Vegetable?"
Proceeding on, we ran down Mount Auburn until we reached a d*ck check at Longfellow Park. Bros refused to help out the ladies because apparently the cold "wouldn't look real good for the Bros." Thanks a lot, buddy. After this check, trail went through Longfellow Park where of course the dog that was out for a walk went right for the girl in the white pants. Well, I knew they'd get muddy some way or other, but this wasn't quite the way I was predicting …
Emerging back onto Brattle, we ran into the walkers but quickly left them in the dust as we kept running, and running, and running, and finally our deathmarch ended at Brattle Square with a song check where we sang "Free Beer For all the Hashers." We were at the song check long enough to spot the direction that we thought trail went, and we were right – up Mount Auburn. Now I totally missed it, because I saw a big true trail mark in flour but we ran right past Whitney's where apparently some guy was scratching out the "On-In" that had been placed there in flour. Apparently when the hares arrived, the bartender refused to let us end there because he had some problem with dirty songs being sung (despite the fact that the manager had approved it a few days beforehand). Well, there you have it people – a bar that refuses to let 25 people in who are going to drink a bunch of beer. Guess they don't need our business then.
Anyhoo, the revised trail continued along Mount Auburn for another block or so then turned up towards Harvard on the corner by Finale. Once we got to Harvard a bunch of civilians told us where to go, and we continued through Harvard Yard and past the science center then turned up Oxford and just continued along Oxford another third of a mile or so until we reached Jack's sister's place.
As luck would have it, there was some beer remaining in a keg and some mixed drinks. All was well until Just Patrick kicked one such drink over (a full drink, too!) but we got him back for that in circle.
You can see a map of trail here.
Comments on trail:
- Not enough Mount Auburn Cemetery
- Excellent use of mass flour dumpage area
- More d*ck checks
- Not enough t*t checks
- Bigger song checks [they were pretty massively huge … that's what she said]
- Whitney's now our favorite on-in
- Tw*t My Mom made Virgin Cassandra c*m. When asked what is her favorite sexual position when Tw*t makes her c*m, she replied: "What???" Not getting anywhere with that, she admitted that she had faked an orgasm but when asked to fake an orgasm for the group she just laughed. Apparently she laughs when she c*ms, gentlemen!
- E=I'm a Douche made Virgin Paul c*m. When asked the square root of 69, he guessed 8. Pretty close, and he also figured out pretty quickly what the real answer meant. This one's a keeper.
- Tongue Me Please made Virgin Danielle c*m. Virgin Danielle would stay on a bus full of lesbians.
- Birthdays: Just Paul, The Buttler Hit It, Necrophiliac Jack, Shawsk*nk, Tw*t My Mom – all are one year closer to death!
- Just Paul drank for being the YOUNGEST HASHER EVER
- Backsliders – Tongue Me Please (who hadn't c*m in like 6 years) and Just Stan (for whom it had been all of like four weeks)
- Just Patrick drank for the above-mentioned alcohol abuse
- Mooseknuckles drank for racist behavior, and Buttler drank for falsely accusing Bros of racist behavior, and then Bros drank as a proxy for Sugar Plum Fairy who accused Buttler of something (even though he was already drinking) that was determined to be hashmanlike behavior
- Shawsk*nk proposed an honor down-down for Necrophiliac Jack, who had apparently gotten wasted the night before in some series of activities that involved body shots, getting naked and trying to take out the trash, and puking in at least 6 different places. As I said above, if that had been me I'd have been in bed moaning (and not in a good way!) rather than out laying trail the next day, so props to Jack!
- Buttler, Bros, and Tongue Me Please were having a private party and were made to drink
- Bend Over Mommy lost one of her tags in circle, and drank for that
Heard at circle: "Are you short?" Bend Over Mommy to High An*s
And that's it for now. Up next, the Toga hash and then a whole weekend of St. Patty's Day debauchery! My favorite holiday! :)
- Brigham Tongue
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