Bag Car: Accidentally An*l
RA: The 2nd Cumming
Pack (I may have missed some; if so I'm sorry, there were a lot of people!): Just Patrick, e=I'm a Douche, The Buttler Hit It, Tampon Jelly, High An*s, 5" Penalty, Pig F*cker, Goes Down on Buoys, Brigham Tongue, Better Late Than Pregnant, Screaming Japanese Girl, N*pples Erectus, Necrophiliac Jack, Sucker's Bet, Bondage Barbie, An*l Beads, Just Emmy, Dirty Latte Sanchez, Just Becca, Virgin Josh, Horse's *ss, Taj My Hole, Pat My Fly, Floppy D*ck, Just Jen, Just Leslie, Virgin Scott, Virgin Brad, Sketchy Ho, C*m is Kosher, Blows My Mind, Virgin Phil, Virgin JJ, Jolly Green V*gina, Peppermint P*ssy, Bend Over Mommy, Queer Leader, Stick It to the Bros
Wangers: I Eat Tea Bags, Dude Where's My Virginity, Shorn Scr*tum, Sugar Plum Fairy
Pre-lube: The Lower Depths, Kenmore
On-in: The Hub Pub, Downtown Crossing
Weather: Clear, cold, and windy (in the 40s but high 20s/low 30s with wind)
I love The Lower Depths. Although really anyone who expects patrons actually to drink Tusker beer should have another think coming. I had arrived early and by around 2:40pm the pack was about five people so I was starting to get worried that hashers might actually have something better to do on Valentine's Day than come run a trail and so there wouldn't be much trash to talk. Boy was I wrong! We entertained ourselves eating hot dogs and watching men with big guns on TV until the hares left.
I have to say that this was by far the most awesome bag car I'd ever seen – because it was not a car, but was a really sick pickup truck. Go Accidentally An*l!
The 2nd Cumming led chalk talk in the middle of Comm. Ave which was amusing mainly because he had put an "F" right next to a "YBF" and someone spelled this out to read "F*ck Your Boyfriend." Also because there were five, yes FIVE virgins, two of whom were wearing jeans. Crazy b*stards you'd think they'd fit right in … An*l Beads told them to take a look at his t-shirt which, well, I can't make a square root sign but it spelled out that equation we all know so well.
Moving on … The 2nd Cumming explained that instead of a turkey-eagle today's trail featured a single-taken split (hence the need for four hares), and the first man and woman after the split were to go into the first store they encountered, say they were a hasher, and receive a gift. What could go wrong there?
Eventually we headed out and found trail pretty quickly; it headed up Charlesgate and down Boylston. At this point we all assumed the trail went into the park so we ran over there … no. Then we assumed it went south … no. Then we assumed it went along Boylston … no. Finally someone figured out that trail actually went over by Fenway and around under Charlesgate (clever, hares…), before emerging on the other side and coming up on Bolston again!
There was another long delay at the Mass. Ave song check (we sang "My Girl's a Vegetable") as some people ran down Boylston, and I headed south which was the wrong direction. Eventually we figured it out, and came upon the single-taken split. I started off down the taken path – the FRBs on this leg were High An*s and N*pples Erectus who emerged from the store with sexually explicit pastries that they then had to carry for the rest of trail. Not sure what happened to them after that but I have a few guesses.
Anyhow we followed trail into the center of Comm. Ave, but then couldn't find anything after the last mark we saw. Maybe we missed a check, I don't know. So we ran around for a little bit, trying to find trail – eventually came upon a YBF in the other direction on Gloucester Street. At this point we were totally off trail and lost, and I saw a bunch of people running up on Newbury Street by the mall so I ran up that way, and I think I may have found my way onto the single trail. Figures that I'd start off taken and wind up single, that's what Valentine's Day is all about right? I guess it's fitting since the only valentine I got was from a girl (although she is pretty hot… ).
From there we didn't have too many problems following marks through the alleys and roads of Back Bay and over a pedestrian footbridge to the Esplanade. There was a check and one arrow pointing out into the Charles River – The 2nd Cumming decided it would be a good idea to walk across the ice and go check it out; happily for everyone involved he didn't fall in! At around this time we came upon a song check which Tampon Jelly, Just Emmy, and Necrophiliac Jack decided to blow through without singing! Suckers Bet and I managed to sing and then chased after the FRBs, who might have just gotten overly excited by the presence of the beer check by the Hatch Shell. Otherwise known as by the Massive Wind Tunnel Created By the Hatch Shell.
There was a lot of ice by the wall people were sitting on, and Virgin Josh nearly brained himself by sprinting towards it and then slipping … why he was exhibiting such athletic prowess I do not understand. Buttler did manage to eat it for our first and only ice-related hash crash of the day.
We got very cold and so headed out, over the other pedestrian bridge and into Beacon Hill where we ran by a tremendously cute house with a garage that was bigger than the house, and then hit a check back. The revised trail headed into the Boston Common where we paused for another song check before trying to find trail. A bunch of us wound up on the wrong side of the frog pond from trail so decided it would be fun to run over it. This was great until we got to the far side where the ice looked a little sketchy and there were four or five people all approaching it at a run … but it did hold out, thank goodness.
We ran through the rest of the Public Garden and across Boston Common, and up some steps. Trail led right past BBAG and Dude's place, with a YBF arrow pointing at the door to their building. We then ran down Beacon and shortly after that the hares were apparently snared (all four of them, as a group)! The on-in at The Hub Pub was all of a two-minute run from there, which made the whole thing particularly amusing.
Something approximating what I ran can be found here: http://www.mapmyrun.com/run/united-states/ma/boston/870126618379879677 (iPhone gen 1 does not have GPS, so no, I didn't run through buildings – walking through walls is hard enough)
Comments on trail:
- GAP trail of the year
- Not enough t*t checks
- Nobody blew me at a beer check
- Not enough hares
- Not enough hairs
- No single people (apparently everyone ran the taken path)
- Couldn't find one mark in my car
After guest singer Pig F*cker treated us to "Pissonya" or whatever that song is called we proceeded to dement the virgins! Now you might remember that there were five virgins at the start … by this time we were down to three. The two with the jeans on were at the beer check and then vanished. Which means they drank beer and didn't pay any money for it, which quite possibly makes them smarter than the lot of us, although definitely wankers! Anyway on to our real virgins:
- The 2nd Cumming made Virgin JJ c*m, and he couldn't figure out what the strategically-placed dollar bill was all about until we clued him in
- The 2nd Cumming also made Virgin Phil c*m (with a name like The 2nd Cumming this is not surprising now is it), so Bend Over Mommy was kind enough to proxy for him. Fittingly, Virgin Phi's favorite barnyard animal is a goat, but his impression sounded more like a donkey (or so someone said, but why they would know that is … well, ok not beyond me but nothing I care to dwell on)
- Virgin Josh made himself c*m, well actually the internet made him c*m. Heck, who *hasn't* the internet made c*m? That's not very creative. An*l Beads stepped in as his sponsor. Virgin Josh was asked what the square root of 69 is and he actually remembered what was on AB's shirt … although then he didn't know what it meant. Maybe not the brightest then … anyway his favorite sexual position is doggie style which I Eat Tea Bags was only happy enough to help demonstrate to the pack.
- Sweat test failure – I Eat Tea Bags and Shorn Scr*tum
- Transplant from Vegas (ok that's not an accusation) – Just Jen
- Backsliders – Just Becky, Queer Leader, 5" Penalty, Shorn Scr*tum, An*l Beads
- Honor down-down for The 2nd Cumming for leaving more marks than the hares
- An*l Beads, Goes Down on Buoys, and Pig F*cker for being … something that I can't read (I was using a napkin at this point maybe some day I will remember to bring a notepad…)
- Taj My Hole and High An*s for having a beer before the on-in (apparently they zenned to the incorrect on-in and had to be rescued)
- Tampon Jelly, Just Emmy, and Necrophiliac Jack for blowing through a song check
- Goes Down on Buoys and Stick It to the Bros for blowing through a t*t check (the horror!)
- Social for current and former GMs for some reason
- As FRBs N*pples Erectus and Necrophiliac Jack received some apparently very high quality lube
- As DFL Shorn Scr*tum got a Duracell battery or some such thing …
- Technology on trail – Taj My Hole, e=I'm a Douche, Brigham Tongue, Stick It to the Bros
- Social for everyone wearing a shirt that somewhat resembled Bros' red shirt (Take off that red shirt! Oh, wait, wrong club …)
- Sketchy Ho for taking a train from the start to the beer check
At some point during circle Tampon Jelly yelled "Will he Taj my hole?" to the general horror of everyone who heard this utterance. Somehow Pig F*cker wound up with Jack's tags and I wound up with Just Patrick's valentine but in the end sanity was restored and we retired to eat appetizer platters and drink beer until we all got really hot and bothered. No, really, it got really hot in there because we were on the top floor and there were a lot of us.
That's all for now, hopefully see a lot of you at Preggers' and my trail next week in Southie!
- Brigham Tongue
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