Douchebag Car: e=I'm a Douche, Yellow D*ck Gnome (injury)
RA: The 2nd Cumming
Wanger: An Inconvenient Poop
Pre-lube: Mission Bar & Grill, Boston (by Brigham Circle! Whee!)
Beer check: On the shores of Jamaica Pond
On-in: Midway Café, Jamaica Plain
Weather: Hot and sunny. Well, I was hot. Let the jokes begin.
Pack: Dirty Latte Sanchez, A La C*nte, An*l Beads, I Eat Tea Bags, Brigham Tongue, Jimmy Crack Wh*re, Goes Down on Buoys, Stretch P*ssy, Sucker's Bet, The 2nd Cumming, The Buttler Hit It, +2 Coonass, Taj My Hole, Dazed'n'Confused, Sugar Plum Fairy, Tampon Jelly, Pbvzzz, Just Edward -> Bolitas Anales, Willy Wonka and the Backdoor Factory, C*m Fly With Me, Just Evan, Bend Over Mommy, Tw*t My Mom, Nice T*ts, Virgin Kibbles, Horse's *ss, Blows My Mind, Virgin Leslye, Virgin Megan, Spunk In the Trunk, D*ck Jockey, Floppy D*ck
Easter, Easter. Let me see, the day that Christians become upset that spring holiday is all about eggs and the Easter Bunny, no longer about celebrating the resurrection of Santa Claus? The day the Christians worship their undead lord? Who knows. Sadly no one dressed as a zombie Jesus, but it was far too hot for that sort of an outfit anyhow.
The pack slowly gathered at the Mission, hopefully happily sated after Easter brunch. Or, you know, brunch with the family. I guess the Mission is the place to start a hash if you want unseasonably warm weather! The 2nd Cumming walked our three virgins through the marks. As it turns out, he probably should have refreshed the hares on how to draw a true trail mark, but we'll get to that later.
From the first check a bunch of us ran gamely down Tremont on a false before, DUH, trail went up the stairs by Stop & Shop, through the parking lot, and directly up a hill into a park. Then we ran down the hill, and back up the other side before pausing for a song check. Well, AB didn't pause very long for the song check but instead bounded up some stairs, announced he was either on-on or on a false (well, DUH), and waited for us to sing a couple verses about crazy sh*t that happens in Chicago. Turns out he was on-on, as we headed up the stairs through a parking lot, and out to another check.
Instead of running up or down the street, a few of us headed across the park, which turned out to be the right way. In the park there was a d*ck check, and happily for me Jimmy Crack Wh*re helped me out there. The 8-year-old boy behind me may not have been as pleased. For the record, Jimmy Crack Wh*re is one of my all-time favorite hash names. Love it, just love it. In any event Jimmy and I ran down some steps but couldn't find anything. So we ran back up, rejoined the others, and ran down a false. Apparently marks started not just down the stairs but across the street and part way down the block. Well, ok.
So we gamely ran all the way down to the bottom of the hill before finding a CB5, which was, you guessed it, at the top of the hill right by the stairs. Since Jimmy hadn't found anything going one direction earlier, we craniumed the other direction over to a song check where Tw*t and Tea Bags sang to us about a couple of starfish on a rock. And some waves. Or something, it was pretty boring.
Following the old adage not to lose elevation most people just continued straight from the song check. However, finding a quick on two, I figured that was too easy and started down a really steep hill which would have been a really, really, really bad idea except for that we finally found a third mark at the bottom of the hill around a corner about a block from the last mark (right about when I was getting really scared that I'd have to run up that hill again!).
We ran up Heath Street a bit, and Jimmy and I found some shiggy around the back of a building before rejoining the pack, running through a parking lot and then in a really long deathmarch along South Huntington Ave, before a BVC by the Jamaicaway, and another song check in the park. At one of these 81 song checks we did our duty by singing "Free Beer for all the Hashers." It might have been this one, I forget.
The deathmarch continued down the Jamaicaway. The 2nd Cumming ran off into the woods at some point for some reason and a bunch of people followed him, for no reason other than that it seemed like it might have been a good idea. Yet the trail was pretty clearly marked. It was a little boring though so maybe they just wanted some excitement.
After essentially running in circles around Olmstead Park and dodging civilians, we ran down a bunch of steps and along the edge of Jamaica Pond. The water level was quite high, causing the walkway to be single-file, and lots of trees to be coming up out of the water. The island that appears on the map? Yeah, not so much with the island. Anyway we were all quite relieved to find bag car there with some mimosas. Very theme-appropriate.
After the mimosa check we ran back across the park, across the Jamaicaway again, and through some very nice neighborhoods. At one point Sucker's Bet and I ran the wrong way from a check but happily the road connected back up again so we didn't completely have to backtrack. It was around this time that I saw +2 Coonass and Dazed'n'Confused carrying one of those wooden cut-out things people put their craniums in in order to have funny pictures taken … this one had a nice circus theme, and props to them also for carrying such a heavy object for half of trail!
So we ran along and ran along, and finally encountered an arrow that had been turned into a check. Clearly someone was here ahead of us and so we concluded that the trail could not go straight (since the CB was that direction) and instead started run in every other possible direction, but all we found was a CB going south … so either it was some sort of funky double check-back or goodness only knows … but eventually we ran straight from the checkback, to yet another song check by the Green Street T stop. Here we sang "Whip It Out at the Ballgame" in honor of the Sox opening night [soon to be win against the Yankees! Whee!!].
Continuing on, we ran down a couple of streets, across some Astroturf, down the road, and to the on-in at Midway Café. Rarely have I been so relieved to see an on-in … this weather is very taxing if you're not used to it. Fortunately I kept my mouth shut so no one could give me a hard time. About whining, that is. OK blah blah blah, comments on trail:
- Not enough check backs
- Egad! There was some shiggy!
- Trail of the month
- Not enough d*ck checks
- Not enough churches saying take it in the rear
- Not enough large bodies of water
The hares, in a fit of extreme creativity, led us in a very loooooooong version of "Free Beer for all the Hashers."
Then we drank for Willy Wonka's one year Boston an*lversary. She even brought her own drinking supplies for this (a bottle of Jager). Go Willy Wonka! Then we drank for C*m Fly with Me and D*ck Jockey, who had actual birthdays that week.
Next up, Mommy demented the virgins:
- D*ck Jockey and Nice T*ts made Virgin Kibbles c*m. Nice three-way they have going on there. For some reason, after refusing to get on his knees, he started to pull his cell phone out in circle. Not even sure what to say about this, but as it turns out he masturbated in the last week. Ok moving on …
- Stretch P*ssy made Virgin Leslye c*m. Virgin Leslye is a kindergarten teacher and her favorite number is 13. Not being able to do anything with that Mommy moved on to
- Virgin Megan. +2 Coonass made her c*m. She picked 26 as her number, prompting the "what's the best thing about 20 6 year olds? There are 20 of them."
Moving on to accusations, etc:
- Spunk in the Trunk accused Accidentally An*l of dropping her map on trail … and not only on trail but at the first check. Ouch.
- +2 Coonass and Dazed'n'Confused did an honor down-down for finding the aforementioned m*rathon-themed object and carrying it on trail. Then people threw eggs at it. Yippee. Despite their best efforts, these two strapping young men were unable to kiss each other by sticking their craniums through the holes. Wow, not going any further with that one. Oh, except to note that they started drinking before we started singing "down down down." Bah.
- Just Edward and An*l Beads drank for blood on trail.
- I Eat Tea Bags drank for falsely accusing Buoys of having a cranium cover in circle, when Buoys wasn't actually in the middle of the circle but was only standing in circle.
- Tw*t My Mom accused Octop*ssy of managing to hare in both Boston and Montreal on the same day. And when one hare drinks… or anyone in bunny ears … or, well, pretty much anyone …
- Then The 2nd Cumming dropped the h-bomb (aka as the h-word)
- Next, Tampon Jelly brought up Spunk's exhortation for him to remove his clothes (see below!).
- All the kilted/skirted hashers then drank – Spunk, Jimmy, Pbvzzz, and Tampon Jelly
- Jimmy Crack Wh*re drank again for being a hash wh*re and visiting us. Joining him in the down-down was Dazed'n'Confused who is a transplant from Tucson. And he's single, ladies!
- Buoys accused Octop*ssy of dressing like a piano, then he was accused of wanting to finger her!
- Jimmy Crack Wh*re and Floppy D*ck were accused of technology on trail, and were joined by Just Kibbles for his tech in circle. Somehow this turned into a massive social, but I didn't have any beer left, bah.
- The hares left what was almost a true trail mark on trail … it was an arrow with two lines through it, not three. So, of course, they drank! Then Tea Bags drank for claiming this was acceptable behavior … on a moon trail, which this was not. So Buttler joined him as moon GM.
- Brigham Tongue, and An*l Beads were FBI and FRB, respectively. For some reason I didn't quite catch, Horse's *ss, Blows My Mind, I Eat Tea Bags, and An Inconvenient Poop joined us. One of them was DFL (not sure being a Wanger counts as being DFL other than by definition…)
- Marathon is capped, yadda yadda …
- JP trail the week of marathon in JP (where else??)
- Moon trail the week of marathon in Dorchester
- GAP is coming up the last weekend in June, and will be AMAZING
- +2 Coonass announced nothing
- The last Sunday trail of the year is next week in Dorchester, hared by yours truly & Bring Out the Gimp. And I am willing to bet that a lot more people have read that post by now than have gotten to the bottom of this one…..
- "No comments in the rear…" – The 2nd Cumming
- "Tampon Jelly would you please take off your clothes. You're making me hot." - Spunk
- "When I tell someone to take their clothes off I expect them to do so!" – Spunk
- Brigham Tongue
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